I feel as if there's some kind of force of nature, Love maybe, at least very much like love. I'm officially agnostic but I didn't believe in anything before there was an experience that I still cannot begin to really explain properly. I don't know if it's right to pray to it or not. Part of me is tempted.
I wonder if the images you experience are from within the mind. If so, I never will. Right hemisphere's white matter is pretty useless (ischemic accident as an infant). No visualization outside of memory. No conceptual thinking either. Just verbal reasoning, synthesis, and inductive and deductive reasoning.
I've found though, that with hard work, those modes of thinking can be used to understand holistic thinking. The world doesn't have to be rigid. I sometimes forget how almost Vulcan-like my worldview was even two years ago. That's what progress will do.
This Love, it changed things.
There have been a lot of changes, some obviously attributable to working hard, medication, and amazing advice from a professor whom I will always be beyond grateful for. But there's been a change in mindset that's different.
It could be a cumulative effect of all the treatments I've been doing. It could be just that with treatment, I'm less rigid and depressed. But I'm still depressed. I can feel it now but I'm not taking it as seriously as I once did. I see it almost like a lingering pain from an injury rather than how the world is. So it's not relenting depression that's doing this.
I always thought this force, whatever you believe it is (God, YWH, Jehovah, Allah [SWT] Love, Zen, Ka, etc), wasn't for me. They were ethereal, my mind was grounded. They were holistic, abstract, while my mind was concrete, lineal.
But it is. Whatever it is. I feel like there's something, and I feel as if I can feel it. I gotta let it in. I gotta let go of my pride and know that there is Something that's beyond me to understand.
I don't think organized religion will ever be for me. It's too infiltrated with judgement and hate. It's frightening to accept something that cannot be quantified, understood, and rationalized. But I think I may be ready.
I bet I sound insane. May delete this later. But I've been questioning things and this thread is making me mull it over more.