i think i'll share cause i started out similarly.

So, where to begin. I'm 19 now and in the past year i've failed out of college as a freshmen. When i knew i was going to fail out sometime mid April last year i considered suicide and almost went through with it. I'm talking tears streaming down my face, gun in my hand, loaded. Before making an important choice like killing myself and any other major decision, i do what i always do and flipped my lucky coin which is a Mario Galaxy token i keep in my wallet.

Basically when you flip it and it's in midair you hope for a certain outcome and regardless of what the coin lands on you go with your gut and what you wished it would land on. I stared at this coin and literally zoned out anything else in that room for what was the darkest moment of my life. I flipped and i knew.

After it was decided i wanted to live i slept for the longest time. Part of me still wanted to die and sleep was the closest i could get. To this day it was the most peaceful sleep i've ever had and the only thing i can remember having dreamt about was me lying on my bed and looking at myself from above. It's a strange feeling having that vivid memory. Seeing yourself, sleep calmly, motionless as a corpse. I soon realized that there are only three things everyone in the world experiences, being born, dying and having dreams. So I dreamt of what i was going to do next; How this body laying before me would transform and achieve all the things a dead one could not. I dreamt and dreamt of my future and and how i could make it a reality till i woke up. Like i said earlier, i don't remember any specific details about what my dreams of the future were about but i woke up fulfilled. I didn't smile, i didn't feel pain and i didn't feel the emptiness that plagued my body and mind nearly bare.

I had work to do. I planned the rest of the day and then some. I came up with all my possible options before i settled on what i had thought was my best bet to living the best possible life for myself. I decided eventually to live a life of lies and deceit. Before i go any further, i want to say that lying is wrong and if i had the chance to go back and choose another path, i certainly wouldn't choose to do what i'm about to tell you. It creates a hole you see. You can never tell the lie or secret to anyone else. You can never share your burdens with those that care about you, having to lie to the ones you love with a straight face because if they found out they would stop loving you even though you still love them and never want to hurt them. This is why i continue my lies because if i stop and say the truth and hurt the ones i love irreparably, i fear i might actually have to flip the coin and this time i wouldn't dream at all.

The plan i came up was decent. I needed to learn everything i could about the stock market. I was going to become a investor. Now i just needed starting capital and knowledge. For knowledge i went to the business library and internet. I read everything and watched anything related to finance and the stock market. What i quickly discovered was most of it was bullshit. There were so many contradictory ideas and predictions about how and which way the market would go. I soon found no one knew anything and the ones that claimed they did were liars. So what's a man to do? When in a room full of sharks, eat some shark fin soup. That's precisely what i did. I ripped these authors of these books and videos to shreds (not literally please do not destroy public property) and found the common theories behind them. I spent the next month organizing, and developing my own method based on what i had read and improving it by concurrently trading paper money and constantly improving the accuracy of my predictions.

I still needed capital. How can an investor invest with nothing. Luckily i hadn't yet told anyone i'd soon be failing out of school. And this is where the lies start. I first forged my transcript so that anyone who asked would believe i still attended and was actually doing very well. I managed to convince my parents that i was still enrolled and got them to pay tuition for summer classes that began in June. I off course took this tuition money about 8k and used it as seed money for my aspirations. I literally spent the whole summer trading options (think stocks but more risky) and managed to end with 22k in my pocket. I had done it, i knew it was possible, i worked hard and i proved i could do it. I was for the first time in my life successful.

It was the beginning of august and the next semester would start soon. My parents still thinking i was attending gave me another 16k and eventually another 16k for the beginning spring semester. As it stands now i have about 100k in my account and i do think this will be my job for the rest of my life. It's the one thing i'm good at and the one thing i actually enjoy doing. I love seeing if my predictions come out right, looking and analyzing numbers. Reddit, i got lucky and cursed. On one side it provides me a way to live and pursue the life i've always wanted but on the other i think i'm addicted. Stocks are really no different then gambling. I feel a euphoria every time i guess right. Another win you know. And every time i guess wrong, it physically and mentally makes me ill. Not too much, just a little. Imagine having a small needle you can't even see stab your heart over and over. It's so little you can barely feel it but just enough that you still do. Mentally, losing brings back emptiness. I fear losing. Losing what i've gotten so far. It's my future that would be lost.

So sophomore year began. Everyone thinks i'm attending school when in reality i go to the library and trade all day. And i started going to the gym. I've lost a lot of weight actually, i hit 200 the beginning of august and now i'm down to 170. Feels good man. I've also decided i want to go to college again. I'm scared of going as a 20 year old and being judged. I currently plan to say i did a world trip after graduation. I got accepted into a college across the country and thats where i'll be attending next august. My friends think i'm transferring because i got a sweet internship when in reality i'm restarting as a freshmen. My parents still don't know and think i'll be attending the same college for which i'll be still faking the transcripts and sending them out. Also i can pay for my own tuition now so i've told my parents i've gotten a bunch of scholarships and they'd have to pay very little when all is said and done. i'm not yet sure what i'll do to fake a graduation in 2 years, i'll figure something out when the time comes.

Thank you for reading, that is all.