I wouldn't throw yourself off a bridge for this.

To be frank I would say it happened from a lack of maybe social/sexual/relationship awareness magnified by being drunk more than likely, maybe even you had been stone cold sober, you would have still thought maybe it was what she wanted but the thing that I want to try to make clear is that to me it doesn't sound like you were effectively raping her or attempting to engage in the act of rape/molestation. It sounds more like you just weren't sure what to do and at the time the best thing you could think of was that. I can relate to some degree, thinking I just want to do what is pleasing for her but I am so wrapped up in my head/thoughts I am not even sure if I am actually doing what is right or not. Since this incident, I am sure you have a lot more awareness around such things.

I am a virgin, I am quite old'ish, relatively compared to other virgins. So I can't really say what you should or shouldn't do in a relationship, but for myself, I feel being vocal and using speech to communicate may be a better way to get things across between two parties, mainly because from someone who was traumatized in the past regarding sexual things, it may be difficult to have a clear picture of reality in the moment, as if there is trauma around such things you can kind of dissociate and not realize exactly what has been/is happening. I am sure you have thought a lot about this.

I am not sure what can help, maybe therapy. Everyone is different. I know that I had to break down multiple times and try to get help, and in my experience, I have learned that I am the only one that can deal with this. And even when I tried to get help from other people, their misunderstanding is so extreme, and any attempt at trying to get them to understand has resulted in what seems to me to be even greater misunderstanding. Only professionals like a therapist or psychologist has been able to understand me, however, I always felt that the truly big step to take is to open up to another person, to be vulnerable, when it isn't their job to listen to you and there are risks involved. So the therapist for me has shown me the way, but the actual hard part is can you open up with someone not in the safe therapists office where no one is going to effectively drop you? At this point, I will share my age, I am 29, and I feel that the best way I can cope with things now is be a man, in the sense of trying to be with myself and care for my own well-being, rather than seeking it from someone else since that hasn't gone so well for me. I am not saying that talking to other people has no place, I think it does have a place, but for me there is also an important time to sit with yourself.