I just remembered what i wanted to say. in every scenario where i kill myself, i imagine the day after and i know people that think they know me as the funny happy guy, would actually genuinely be shocked that i was dealing with such feelings. I think alot of people would try to blame themselves for not seeing signs that i was asking for help or something, when in reality i never put out those signs. the other day someone mentioned how the funniest comics and comedians always had rough childhoods and traumatic upbringing. she then jokingly said im so funny i must have had one messed up childhood. i actually laughed out loud not cause she was right about the childhood thing, my life has been fine. i laughed cuz here i am wanting to kill myself everynight. and somehow this lady thinks im depressed BECAUSE im the funny one at work. i thought it wudve been very humorous if i had killed myself that night. what would she have thought, would she have blamed herself for that one off comment i wonder. I couldnt do that to her so I just keep taking it one day at a time. continuing to be entertaining, the few times i felt exhausted people actually got worried and asked me why i was so quiet. i instantly cheered up(or appeared to be) and said why am i so quiet? because i was raised by librarians(a response i googled for when asked why are you so quiet months in advance, yes its in my notepad or canned phrases/responses)!everyone had a lil laugh and appeared to be my "old self" for the rest of the shift. I wont make that mistake again, it was extra exhausting being entertaining that day and i made it harder on myself by being quiet and solemn i had to overcompensate. Just what the fuck is wrong with me dude.