I have been exactly this way for atleast the last 25/26 years of my life... and that would have put me at the age of 3 with some type of SI, tendencies, or actual "attempts". I get up in a very abusive home. One that, wasn't so much physical towards me as it was my mother, but more psychological (verbal/emotional)... I feel that I have carried those demons for so long that it has impacted my very existence until this very day. I turn 29 on Tuesday, and the only thing I truly want is to hear the love of my life's voice tell me she loves me still and that she wants me... unfortunately that is just a fantasy, in reality, what I want most is to know happiness... but it's not the same happiness you would think... I want to feel my idea of happiness and that is to no longer exist... unfortunately I have been reminded countless times that I have "so many" people that love me... that's good and all, but in that last it's missing the name I need the most. I am so broken and if I had no attachments, i.e. My pups, I would have ended it already. I've tried many times in my younger days, and can close twice, my most recent unfortunately was about a month or two ago. No one knows this, but I believe atleast subconsciously that I double dosed myself on my already high dosage of stimulants to where my HR at "resting" was 150ish and my BP was systolic wise was in the 170s and diastolic wise the 120s... I don't know if I can say I did it purposely because I know I wouldn't when I am clear in thought, but I've had a lot of stress and a loss of a relationship that hasn't escaped my mind from the very beginning, to which has caused me to lose the ability of certain cognitive everyday concepts... idk, I am just alone and venting.

I don't even remember why I started a reply to the OPs post anymore that's how "inside" my own head and "lost" I have become these last 5/6 months...