I don't have a particularly good relationship with my mom. She is a narcissist and has done some fucked up things to me; I really do feel that the bulk of my social anxiety and self esteem issues stem from my childhood. However, I've gotten a lot better and I've learned how to better ignore her in certain situations.

I often feel like she doesn't love me (but sometimes I feel like she does love me, does this make sense...?), and that the only reason why she ever had me was so she could have someone to take care of her and my father/provide for them in their old age. On one hand, I do care about them, but on the other hand, it drives me up the wall when she shoves it in my face, like "God, how can I even depend on you in my old age if you're such an irresponsible little shit now?" Or like when I bring up that I would maybe want to move to Europe in the future, she tells me I'm selfish, and that I should "go, because it's not like I care about [her] anyway".

She's also extremely petty and judgmental. Like she has dragged people she doesn't know (like friends of friends on Facebook) based on insanely stupid shit. A few months ago she was like "Hey, jesuisunchien, do you think this woman's makeup is horrible? It's her wedding makeup, too." Well, it was heavy but fuck if I care, so I said something along the lines of "It's not really my business, plus it's not like she put it on to please you or anything. If she likes it and her husband likes it then what you say doesn't matter" and my mom just got all huffy. She also brought up someone's engagement ring during dinner and said it was "so ugly and not even shiny" and even my dad was like "Do you really have to be so petty? Seriously? No one cares." Also, she screamed at me for wearing mismatching socks once. God damn it. If someone is going to notice this and REMEMBER it and actively judge me on it, then I don't give a fuck, I don't want to know that kind of person.

I guess she expresses her love kind of strangely. But I certainly don't think it's acceptable, so I'm kind of split on what to think most of the time.