Spring was in full bloom and as I walked into school that morning I remember seeing the principle outside talking to students. He was there most mornings to greet all of us. I followed the group of 7th graders into the gym, while we waited for the bell to ring, all you could hear was the chatter amongst all of us. Some talking about homework, some wishing summer was already here, and girls talking about boys. The bell had rung, and we all made our way out into the hallways. I was stopped by an 8th grader who was a friend of mine at the time. I was half listening to her but also looking into the glass of the cafeteria. Something seemed off with the 8th graders. Then I saw the principle fall. And the next thing I know kids were running all over the place, screaming he has a gun. I grabbed a friend's hand and we took off running.
We rushed to the second floor of the building, only to learn the teachers had no idea what was happening. I cried out what happened, teachers were yelling for kids to get back into their classrooms. We sat in our rooms, no idea what was going on, was the teen going to start shooting more, why weren't we hearing anything. The day went dark that day. My life wasnt the same. When I was finally in my parents care, we learned that a friend of mine was the one that killed the principle, and then he killed himself.
For awhile I was angry, at everything. I was angry at my friend who did this, angry at my other friend who stopped me, angry at the school for not being the safe place I was always told they were, and angry at myself for letting that day destroy my life for awhile.
My teen years I spent by myself, I shut everyone out. Friday nights...yea I was at home reading. But then my child was born, I had my child at an early age. I always said I would wait until I was married, but then I met him and he changed everything. He was and is my helper. Even though I put a tough face on for her and him, I am really dying inside. I cry myself to sleep most nights, and when I don't i lay awake thinking of all the things that could happen. The fear that lives inside of me, has gotten worse, it's eating me a live. However, I will keep my tough act going because they need me. My daughter is little, she needs me. My SO, he is bi polar and he needs me. Most of all I need them, and if they knew, they wouldn't want me.