Wow. I'm going thru much the same and kinda freaked me out how similiar... I'm not the typical age- most ppl here seem to be 1/2 my age which I never realized until I started visiting new subreddits... also went thru same childhood broken experiences as him that we confided to each other in.. many similarities ...really really thought you were him at first.... only I know #4. He's too busy looking for new content to make the FP to even know about this sub #3. he'd never post here let alone look here and the main reason I know you are not him #2 I have never met him in person like you had coffee with yours aaaand not to mention #1. I know he is just happy to be rid of our relationship so, yeah - why would he go here and post something so beautiful?
It wasn't me to be in a heavy emotionally invested relationship when I was happily married like that but it happened and I was able to rationalize it and didn't want it to end, he suddenly got a conscience or just bored of me or whatever - at any rate he did want it to end. I respected it and haven't contacted him ever since.
Tomorrow will be a month. Has been one of the hardest months ever. So painful. Absolutely no one to talk to. When secret relationships end the suffering has to be done in secret. No one knows but me and him. And he ended it so how do i grieve it with him? He flat out broke up and ended it with me. My sm friends who pm me ask what's wrong. .. I just say I can't talk about it...personal issues..depression...whatever. I do this to protect him and his family. I always have, I always will. I will never hurt him in any way, maliciously or intentionally. I love him. I truly love him. I only want what is best for him. I always will. Even tho he doesn't love or miss me. If he does its just the idea of me and the fact I was his biggest cheerleader so to speak. He'll find others easily if he hasn't already. I'm replaceable. I know that. Have known it my whole life. Have experienced it my whole life.
Since I met him on social media I've been off the main one I met him on and stopped actively looking up his profile on all three sm sites... but omg .fffff... nothing I can do to avoid when he's on the FP. .like today. He's on the FP several times a week, sometimes several times a day. I stopped looking at his sm profiles because it's so painful to see him happy joking around happy to be free of me when I'm barely able to crack a smile and am constantly holding back tears. I'm happy for him to be rid of me but omg.. that hurts like hell.
Said he wants to be "close friends" but doesn't say how to accomplish that when he doesn't walk to talk privately.
Nice that he can automatically be friends but just shows me he's been without more than friends feelings for me for a long time. I cannot pretend that I don't have these feelings so I cannot interact with him on social media. If I ever can it's because I truly am indifferent to him. He posts great things and would be a shame to miss out on the smiles if I no longer had my heart invested.
I don't know if that will ever happen tho. At this point I am just angry. Not sad. Hurt. Very hurt. He did this once before then said he'd never do it again. When he did it again I knew he meant it because because he said before that he would never do it again. I've been crying every day ever since. I'm so lonely. Although married to a wonderful man, I'm alone 80% of my time. I miss his friendship. I miss knowing knowing how his day is going. I miss him him so much. I guess I learned what we had was an emotional affair... something I've never been close to having and now know I won't won't have again. Only text and only talked on the phone once a year and a month ago... still..am in pain.
I don't want him to know anything about my life or pain I'm in. Not because I think it would hurt him to know; no .. he wouldn't care and would probably laugh at me for being so invested in something he obviously wasn't invested in. I just don't want him to know because what will it accomplish? Nothing. He doesn't want us anymore It is what it is. I'm just dealing with it. I don't want him to know the power I have given him over my heart when he obviously couldn't care less.
Fuck you, Joe.
Anger is a powerful thing to help you grow when you are able to harness it and temper it with objective reality. Workouts are awesome. Driving fast listening to great songs feels good. When nothing works... Vodka and Stella are my late night crying and can't sleep friends.
I'm not letting his rejection and abandonment of me define me as a person. I don't get my identity from this year and a half situation and it's ending... but I did learn one hell of a lesson.
As far as I know I was #2 in his marriage, I never met him in person... the first one he had was someone he knew in person who broke his heart when she didn't contact him more than once a day...wtf? He would go days almost a week without texting me?
There may have been more or there may be a new one now...who knows... I just hope he doesn't do this to someone else in the future. I hells not ever will do this again. Fuck that.
I take full responsibility for what I did. I learned something is possible that I thought was impossible. I am able to love more than one person at the same time. I am floored by the loss of this...it's like a death. Also I learned, I am a bigger idiot than I thought.
I hope he lives a long happy life and can reconcile with his wife and not end up in yet another situation like this. He really did do me a favor breaking it off a month ago. I don't feel it now but I know that i will as more time goes by. As that time goes and he doesn't contact me to try to work it out I grieve how final it is, I'm angered he didn't do this sooner. I want nothing to do with him. I do not like him. I do not fantasize about him anymore. I just don't want to feel these feelings anymore.
I wish I knew how to not feel these painful feelings.
Sorry for the long reply. I have so much to get out of me and no where to do it. Your post struck a chord on many deep levels so I wanted to thank you because it's something I wish I could receive and wish if I did that it was genuine and not just lip service to mitigate any damage he might think I might have planned to unleash as if he didn't know me at all and be afraid it's another side he hasn't seen.
Also... don't be surprised if I delete this comment tomorrow. I have 2 throwaways that I have used to comment and delete afterward 4 times in the past month. All because I don't want him to know about my hurt in case he stumbles on it. Would rather just leave it at amicable understanding supportive goodbye without a word afterward.
Inside I am dying. just don't want to risk him stumbling on this out of curiosity. He would know it's me.
Sorry again for the long reply..... hopefully some us helpful as yours was helpful to me. Just want to thank you for posting something I wish I could receive and let you know that I understand about people judging etc. That's why I don't post. I don't need to feel worse.
I understand your situation, if it helps you feel better.
Ps: I'll more than likely delete. ..don't take it personal...just what I do on 2 throwaway accounts to purge and hide what I'm going thru.