I'm gonna give you an upvote... but not because of your TIFU. It's because I have guilt for something similar that I did.
A few years ago, I was away from home and decided to grab dinner at a burrito fast-casual type place. I got my burrito, chips/queso, and drink. It was nearly 8pm and I hadn't eaten all day so I started in on my burrito and chips. After about 15 minutes I started to feel pretty sick to my tummy.... as in gurgling... as in audible gurgling. Then the queasiness started, then the lightheadeness, then... well... the pressure. I had to go now, and I mean NOW. Home was about a 20+ minute drive away and I wasn't gonna make it 2 minutes. I stopped in a nearby local retail establishment where I knew the public restroom was literally 10 feet from the entrance. I fast-walked, keeping my gluteal muscles clenched, and I made it to the restroom -- thankfully it was a single person restroom. I locked the drawer and dropped trou... and I was able to sit do.....
Alas, the explosion (and Yes, it was an explosion) came before I made full contact with the toilet seat. It went everywhere, except thankfully onto my clothing or much of my backside. I actually got nekkid and reached and hung my shirt/shorts/skivvies on the hook and finished being incredibly ass-sick into the toilet. I flushed several times. I was there for nearly 30 minutes being sick and queasy, and feeling every fire-watery stream was shooting out my posterior. I was so miserable.
Eventually, I got enough strength to notice that there was enough TP to clean myself, and with some wet TP to wipe away the bits of explosive residue that splash/ricocheted onto my low back/upper butt. I was so tired and weak by the time I noticed there was no more TP. There were no paper towels either (hand dryer restroom). The back of the toilet and the wall behind it looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. I had no means to clean it up. I washed my hands thoroughly... then again... and again... and again. I retreived my clothing from the hook on the door and carefully got dressed.
I surveyed my extensive damage and felt guilty. But, it was about 2 minutes before closing time by that point, so I just walked out, and with my head down back outside and drove away forever. I never returned. Luckily, about 6 months later that business moved locations, and a different retail outlet took over that building.
It turns out that I got food poisoning from that burrito chain. I was sick for a solid 36 hours and then recovered. I reported that location to the county health inspector and learned later that they had had multiple complaints.
But, I've always felt bad for the damage I inflicted on that poor innocent bathroom and the retail worker that had to end up cleaning it. So to you, OP.... I salute you and give you all that I can. One upvote.