My depression and suicidal thoughts started at a very young age in foster care (around 5 I’m 21 now) but have always been infrequent. I do not do well with change and have been diagnosed with many things but my adjustment disorder with depressed moods leads to long periods of intense suicidal thoughts to the point where I can not function and essentially take a break from life. I still struggle with this and I am sorry you probably experience this on a more frequent basis.

This is loaded because it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to be in the same position as I am.. but my best advice is to seek help. Regular therapy and even if you feel like it isn’t doing anything for you it is at least giving you an ally. When life becomes too much and I am struggling to function a medical provider advocating on my behalf to my job or school has become my lifeline. Taking time for myself has been costly and uncomfortable but it has been worth it (not saying you aren’t I hope this isn’t coming across as rude). If you do have someone you speak with maybe letting them know when life is too hard to focus on and ask what they can do for you. In my experience it really helps. Sending you all the best I am sorry you are dealing with this.