This has been my way of being for as long as I can remember. I spent over a decade thinking that I was lazy, that I was unmotivated, that I was a nasty, dirty person. After all, most people were able to shower more than once a week. Most people didn't have a legitimate hoarding problem in their middle school years. Most people could brush their teeth at least once a day.

But I wasn't most people. Turns out that I've actually been fighting chronic depression and anxiety since I was in 6th grade - so, for about 16 years. And even now, with two medications, I still struggle with them. I don't remember life before the depression or anxiety, save for a few snapshots, and I can't imagine life without them.

Every day is a fight. Some days, like today, I win. Other days, like last Thursday, I lose.

As a side note, the weird thing is, I can almost predict when I'll have winning days versus losing days. It's become very cyclical over the years, which is one of the reasons I've begun to suspect I actually have Bipolar II.

My "winning" days present very much like a hypomanic episode. On these days, I'm absolutely certain I'm going to do better, be better; things suck right now, life sucks right now (depression), but maybe if I just work harder it won't. I always have insomnia, but on the winning days I have insomnia because who the fuck needs sleep, I have ideas I need to pursue, changes to make, a better me to be.

The worst I've done on the upswing is drop 200$ on a week of groceries - which, to be fair, a lot is stuff I will use for several weeks (like spices and vinegars), but hot damn, my wallet. I didn't even have the money, so I had to throw it on a credit card; it couldn't wait until Friday, which is payday.

Honestly, I hate my winning days because of things like that. When I get an idea I just can't focus on anything else until I act on it or until the losing days hit. I commit to projects that losing day me struggles to follow up on. My productivity at work is on fire, but it sets a standard that losing me can't meet.

I work in the mental health field. I tried mentioning my concerns to my coworker and friend, whose been doing this job longer than I have. She laughed and told me to quit diagnosing myself. So, I don't know. I guess I'm putting this out there because I feel lost, like I'm drowning, and I can barely keep my head up and my dumb ass keeps having impulses to deep dive and pet the sharks.