I shredded all of our old love letters last Thursday. Before I did, I read a couple that I had written from the early days of our marriage. I was passionate, loving, thoughtful, caring, and obviously had no shame about the way I felt about him. I made myself intensely vulnerable. I would have done anything for him, and I did everything he wanted me to.

After I had fully committed myself, he rejected me on a fundamental level. And because I had left myself so open (I never thought he would take advantage of it), his cruelty and utter indifference to my feelings hurt me waayyyy more than anyone had ever done. He would take all those vulnerable things and twist them and make weapons from them.

Perhaps you know how it feels to tell someone you love and trust a secret and then have them jeer at you about it the next day. And the next, and the next, until you are deeply ashamed of yourself as a person, and start hating yourself.

The thing is, my now-boyfriend is trustworthy, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, loving, gentle, kind...everything you could want. He is an angel. He would never, ever call me a name, or make fun of me (other than in an adorable way).

I would love to write him a love letter like the ones I shredded last week. Something on perfumed pink paper, something he would keep with him so he knows how much I appreciate his loveliness. But every time I put pen to paper, I feel silly. The "what-ifs" start. What if I told him how much I care, would that bother him. Would he make fun of me. Would he judge me. Would he think I was impinging on his life. Would it be too intrusive. Would he think I was an idiot, or boring, or silly.

My previous relationship answered all these questions with an emphatic YES. (The last love letter I ever wrote, my ex said he didn't like it and I shouldn't have bothered.)

So yeah...love letters.