But if im emotionally dependent, why can I not emotionally depend on anyone else in my life? My friends and everyone else complains that I never ask for help or get emotionally close. That im too emotionally independent. Why is it just him?

I try to feed my soul. Ive tried so hard to love myself. They tell me in therapy that I have no self esteem. They are right. I have tried to build it. Ive tried therapy, friendships, being single, finding hobbies, moving away, going back to school. Ive tried every suggestion of how to love myself. Honestly? I hate myself though. I dont see anything good about me. I think im a bad person. I have gotten to a point in my life where my self esteem is so low that i dont trust anyone that they actually enjoy my presence. I get paranoid that everyone secretly doesnt like me. That they speak ill of me when im not around. I had to delete facebook because It got so bad that I started thinking random things posted by family/friends were secretly directed at me.

I never eat enough. I starve myself and its not because Im trying to be skinny. I just dont care. I dont drink enough water. To the point that my doctor told me my kidneys werent functioning properly due to dehydratiom. I cant even write about myself or answer questionaires because I cant see myself the way everyone else does. I dont know who I am. I still dont understand how anyone can see anything good of me. I dont believe all the compliments. Not truly.

I grew up in a home where i was told i was useless, worthless, a bitch, a cunt, a retard, etc., nonestop. Then other people further confirmed that. All Ive know in my life is that I was of little to no value.