ACTUALLY THERE ARE LOTS GOING ON INSIDE MY MIND. Currently in my third year of college. Life isn't going as i had expected it to be. My dad passed away suddenly when i was in 9th grade, 2012. Been depressed ever since. I have social anxiety. I get angry at mom for petty reasons. I can't get close to people, i don't know how to really put this but feelings and closeness makes me uncomfortable. That's why i've pushed away people who really cared about me. A girl i really liked confessed to me but i don't know what i was thinking i was scared, i told her i was seeing someone. My grades are worsening every passing semester. I find it very difficult to sit and study my notes. I've started missing a lot of classes. My mom has very high expectations from me, since i was a very bright student in the past high school days. Now it's the opposite but she doesn't know. I can't see myself breaking her heart but i find no purpose in life whatsoever, as extreme or absurd as it may sound, thoughts of me taking my own life flies by my mind from time to time. Sometimes i feel like dying would be better than all this hassle and worries. I'm going to graduate in 2020(if i manage to live that long), i don't know what i'm going to do after that. Used to be an religious guy in the past, now i don't even know whether there is a God or not. I've started smoking, drinking and taking weed. I try to sleep early but its 3am or more for me almost everyday. I don't really know what to do with myself, all i know is i feel like i'm slowly dying. And sometimes i feel like death itself is the answer to all these worries that are stuck in my head. I really wish time itself would slow down so that i can take a deep breath and start fresh. I am scared inside. I wish i could forget a lot of things and faces. I wish people that i care about would forget me entirely, then i dont have to worry about letting someone down. I wouldnt be scared of the thought of someone that i cared about dying. And i think i never really loved myself too.