How boring he was to me.
Had a long talk with my brother one night over the toxic relationship I was in with a guy and found myself finally realizing just how boring and un-interesting he was to me personally. My brother said "Just wait until you find someone more interesting. Someone more like us." (we're both very crazy, impulsive, adrenaline-chasing people) and it really stuck with me. I realized he was right. I realized that I had been very bored with him for most of the relationship. I was always the one pushing him to do the crazy things, and I genuinely wanted/want someone that is just as crazy as me to have fun with, especially since I'm only 17.
I realized that even before the relationship got bad, even back when we were still in love with each other I was bored so much of the time. I spent so many hours staring at his ceiling while he slept or watched TV after I asked to go out and do something and he didn't want to, just wishing he was more like me. It wasn't even just with us two, hanging out with his friends I was just as bored. Every time I heard about when they hung out together or went to anything they did together it was just as mind-numbingly boring to me. I just wasn't like them at all.
Don't get me wrong we did have good, exciting times throughout the relationship, but I knew I wanted and needed more. I wanted someone who wasn't afraid to do things and was impulsive like me. I had to hold myself back with him, push down that part of me to be in the relationship. With my friends and with my brother, it would resurface and I would feel so much more like myself and have genuinely very good times that I couldn't tell him about or I knew he would get pissed about it.
I imagined a lot how much happier I would be if I was in a relationship with someone more exciting to me, and I realized that was what I wanted. Out of all the issues and arguments we had, it was just one thing I always kept to myself.