Went home for winter break, our old home was being cleared out to be sold soon so my room was empty besides the mattress. I used to feel really uncomfortable reaching out to people to hang out (better now but not completely gone). A little bit that I want to seem like I was busy and social, but also that I felt like if people really enjoyed my company they would reach out, and if they don't then I don't want to annoy anyone.

Anyways, New Years Eve, I even told my parents I would be meeting up with some friends because I didn't want pity (and tagging along to their respective parties seemed imposing and likely to get some pity from people I don't know also). So, alone in my old house that's nearly empty, in my bed on the floor checking my cellphone for the time. Very likely I masturbated. Really not sure why but I stayed up until midnight but then went straight to sleep.

Worst piece of that was just knowing that I was my own reason for being alone that night.

Other thing that seemed a little different, but it was one of my loneliest times. In college I found out my roommate slept with a girl I liked, and I hated him for it. I thought this one night he may have, and that bothered me a lot because I wasn't sure, but my rationale that calmed me down was that he knew how I felt about her and he wouldn't do that to me. But he did, and he ended up telling me (him breaking down after drunkenly punching me in the face).

I couldn't stop thinking of them together so I wanted anything to distract myself. I found the best solution was to drink and watch tv. But I was underage, and my roommate was the only one I knew who could get liquor. So I had to ask him to get me bottles of whiskey. I also realized during that time that all my friends then were much closer with him than me so I didn't have any other friends anymore either. It was about 2 month of staying in my room to avoid my roommate, drinking, watching tv, masturbating and going to straight to class and back.

But eventually it all got sorted between all of us. It still took me another 2 years or so to forgive him, and then a bit more time to actually realize neither of them did much wrong, but it had still felt like a really deep betrayal. What really helped steer me away from the drinking was deciding to throw myself into my school work.