My mom has went through LOTS of traumatic events and NONE of it got processed. It is all unhealed.

After my sister moved out, shit started going down real bad. I was in my "growing up" phase when that happened and things were really weird — I was ~14. We'd always have fights and she'd call me out all kinds of things that sadly have stuck with me and made me question my whole personality and being. Whenever I didn't want to fullfill a task for her, no matter how little, she'd start insulting me, telling me how selfish and self-centered I am, how she should've been like "all the other mothers" and not care about her kids.

Things always went like waves — there was a fight, shit went down, then everything was "alright".

But what stuck with me the most was a phase of really bad fights we had (I was also very impulsive by that point). I was either 16 or 17 (I'm 18 now). We'd have a fight from whatever and she'd tell me about how much I make her want to die, how much I make her wish she wouldn't be here. To this day I'm still confused with that stuff. I've also dealt with other people who called me names and just made me question myself, which resulted in me being very confused of myself as a whole nowadays. I feel like I've also played my part. I've also been an AH to my mom sometimes. But I'm not sure whether I was/am such a bad person that I deserved it going so far. My sister also always told me to not take my mom's words to the heart, as she is a highly impulsive person, but I just couldn't.