I went away to medschool, but would come back every chance I had to see him. We both were busy, but we tried to keep in contact. He started asking if I was going to find someone else, better suited for me, a doctor, etc. I would say "of course no, I love you" stuff like that. He would send me short emails but he would say stuff about marriage, our kids.
Then texts started being less and less, I would fly to see him and scheduling would get problematic. I texted him one time to see how's he doing. He said "I am at Coachella"
It was a simple thing, nothing too big. He has his own friends, though disposable. Big family. But I assumed it's with another girl.
Something broke in me forever. I paid attention more to who called who more. How many times he said the word "love" to me. He wasn't saying that anymore.
I dialed texts and calls down too gradually. In November he called me once. I decided that since he is out of relationship I might as well be too.
December came - he wished me Merry Christmas, I said thank you. Nothing else. He texted "happy new year, what you are doing, how are you celebrating?" "I am in nyc with bunch of my friends. Use your imagination" I answered.
He still didn't see that I was gone pretty much. I finished medschool, came back and didn't tell him. He texted me couple of weeks later to see when I am coming back. I said I have been here for 2 weeks.
He finally figured it out. Relationship was over. We fought and fought and fought. Tried to fix things. He said he didn't know how long I was going to stay in new york, he tried to wait but couldn't. He fucked up, as he fuck everything up. He is not looking for a relationship, but would like to try again. Maybe as fwb till we get our feelings back, because he doesn't feel the same anymore.
We tried to sleep together. Only I couldn't get myself into any kind of mood for sex. It was the most painful experience of my life. He was trying to get me in the mood, trying to reignite the romance back. I couldn't get his words that he is not madly in love with me anymore out of my mind. Kept remembering the Coachella. It was uncomfortable feeling that I just couldn't shake it off. He was trying yo get me to say that I love him. I said "you know how I feel about you, the problem hadn't been my feelings" in the middle of sex. Was complimenting on my underwear. I said it's just Victoria secret. It's just a bra. We had this shared love of sexy red lace underwear before.
We met up again and I pretended to have the best sex I have had. I had tried to add him as friend on fb, because i had unfriended him before, and saw his pic with another girl. We were affectionate, I said "I love you" multiple times. Of course he didn't say anything back. He was begging me not to leave, to stay longer, telling me how he could achieve so much more if he tried, he could have gotten so much further in life, if he had gotten his shit together. He cant give me what i want right now and he cant keep me to himself and waste my time. He still lives with his mom, doesn't have a decent job, etc (I have told him over and over, I am not interested in money and prestige, just a real relationship) . I said "look, it's late, I have to go, as you have said numerous times, I can't park I'm the neighborhood past 2 am (I always thought it was a rotten way to get rid of a girl) . "No please stay longer"
I left with a kiss on his cheek. Broke up things next day. He got mad again, didn't talk till March, when it turned out I matched to New York and have to leave for next 3 years.
He has tried to meet up numerous times, tried just to come over. Texted me many times that he loves me, has loved me, is still in love. He is just coping with not having me. Has said that he is basically not having sex since I am not with him. That he is proud of me and I will make a great doctor and make him proud. Said he can't can't let himself get attached because he will be out of control completely. Thinking back when I was studying for a test and rescheduled one date, he asked me next time why I was avoiding him. I said "silly, don't you know I am cheating on you with usmle step 1 test book". He pulled me close, hugged me and said quietly "if you cheat on me or leave me, I'll kill us both" which was a bit out of character for him and uber creepy to me.
I don't believe him. My brain just refuses to cooperate. We haven't seen each other since he was begging me to stay and I was trying to get away from his speech of how great he is.
I still miss him like crazy and I love him despite all of this. I think he stopped loving me and was too afraid to tell me. I just don't get these texts now. Why won't he just leave me alone? Why did he have to go to Coachella with someone else and tell me about it? That was the moment I realized it was over.