This is one of the things I want more than anything from my spouse, but of course I could never ask for or demand.

We're still working on recovering from the DB, and communicating about sex is really hard. She still struggles to accept my sexual approaches, and it's clear that sometimes the weekly (like clockwork) encounter she initiates is maintenance "I'm just doing this because I know he needs it" sex.

I can't figure out desire in her, and frankly, I'm struggling to continue to try because it's like a fucking mystery ... It's not that I need her to say "yes" to my sexual advances (though it does hurt that I still can't seem to break through) ... she doesn't have to change her clockwork from weekly to twice a week or have more frequent non-going-through-the-motions sex (though our sex life isn't near as active and exciting as I would like) ...

Right now, what I would like most of all from her is a simple, heartfelt apology for the near decade of emotional and physical neglect ... an acknowledgement that she used her control over the bedroom as a tool to assert mastery over the relationship and me. I wish she'd show a degree of contrition for having manipulated my sense of duty and faithfulness ... for years ... to use the imbalance in desire and attraction to her benefit.

Frankly, she used my attraction to her and desire for more emotional and physical intimacy as a weapon against me for years and years, and when I stood up to say "I can't do this anymore." Her response was ... "Okay. Can you do this instead?"

It's hard not to have echoes of resentment overshadow whatever progress is being made when you don't even get a simple "I'm sorry I made a big part of your life so miserable and refused to acknowledge its importance."

It's really easy to fall out of love with someone who is cold and unapologetic, especially when that person can't seem to figure out how to treat sex as anything other than a carrot or a stick.