I am struggling immensely. I also will be struggling immensely for the foreseeable future. I am beginning a taper off an antipsychotic that has destroyed my creativity, intellect, and libido over the last year. I am only 3 weeks sober from a brief alcohol relapse. I am only one week clean from a massive 5 year kratom addiction and regretting every second of getting back on suboxone to get off kratom cause not even pharmaceutical grade heron is doing much for me.

I am going to be left alone next month and there’s no doubt in my mind once the first bit of the taper is noticeable I’ll be craving alcohol even stronger than I am right now. I fear I have ruined myself with medication, and highly doubt I’ll remain sober as this year progresses. I had 5 months sober from alcohol before my last relapse and hated every second of it.

I’ve got too many mental health issues and medication dependencies to even care about drinking, and the only reason I’m not drinking right now is due to my living situation.

Most people just have one or two addictions or an issue binge drinking or one mental health diagnoses while I have a laundry list and am on the strongest psychiatric meds out there. One which I just learned a study proved after 36 weeks of use results in more loss of white and grey brain matter (specifically in the frontal cortex and parietal junction) than the average human loses in their entire lifetime and I’ve been on that med twice as long as the study.

I am facing zero possible positive outcomes over the course of the next year+ of my life. Imprisoned by medication and dealing with alcohol and drug PAWS on top of an already horrible list of diagnoses on top of needing to get off one of these meds ASAP because the side effects are ruining my life and career - no creativity, memory loss, disordered thinking , inability to think critically, cognitive decline, can’t do tasks that I once performed with ease, I have a literal shrinking brain.

I see no hope and no point in continuing to be sober, and do not think I will be sober in 60 days once I reach half of my current prescribed dose, if I’m even able to taper that quickly. And who knows there’s a chance I’ll just die suddenly during withdrawal apparently, so I’ve got that to look forward to I guess. Ya, I’m having a rough day. And this is what every day will look like except exacerbated by medication withdrawal. So add increased anxiety, agitation, depression, and insomnia and let’s see just how long I can last.