“One billion dollars!”
President Marshall could hear the words echoing around the nearly empty cavern as Dr. Evil gave his ridiculous stare-down that always accompanied one of his threats. He had the camera zoomed in on his face, but the President knew it was to hide the fact that there was nobody else in his lair with him.
Toby Ziegler leaned towards the screen. “And what exactly makes you think we’ll pay you a dime, Dr. Evil? Every time we go through this, Agent Powers steps in and stops whatever ridiculous plan you have without us having to lift a finger.” Vice President C.J. Cregg, Secretary of State Sam Seaborn, and the President’s other top advisors and officials sat around the situation room with practiced, serious expressions. These sorts of threats had become routine in recent days. Terrorist attacks, natural disasters, and villains of all sorts had decimated the human population. With governments falling left and right, widespread food and labor shortages the entire planet had become a goddamned war zone, and nobody was winning.
“Oh I don’t know, maybe because I have a frickin’ nuke pointed straight at frickin’ Las Vegas!?” Marshall could feel the blood drain from his face. ”Give me your answer by 10:00 pm or I push the button.” Dr. Evil fumbled with the remote for a few minutes muttering curse words before ending the transmission.
The room exploded into a frenzy. “Mr. President, we have to take this seriously. Las Vegas is one of the last cities we have left! We can’t just count on Powers or Bauer to save them!” C.J. shouted over the rabble. “Sir, with all due respect you need to take action. You’re the President that survived it 32 assassination attempts and the incident on Air Force One. You can’t be the President that sees the end of our country!”
“Sam, call my daughter and let her know I won’t be home for supper.” President Marshall stood and walked out. Agent Simons, his last remaining Secret Service agent, followed silently.
My name is Michael Weston. I used to be a spy, until… this all went to shit. Fiona sat in the passenger seat of his Charger checking the weapons. Getting out of Miami was the easy part. The place was a ghost town. Anybody who survived the plague went out west. Michael and Fiona didn’t even get the sniffles.
They flew down the empty highway, weaving in and out of any obstacles along the way. The mission, if they could even call it that, might be their last, but he had to stop this insane scientist from destroying the last vestige of American society. They sped past a welcome sign for Washington State and into a small town. It was the same here as every other city and town: completely empty. Smoldering remains of office buildings, police stations riddled with bullet holes and flipped cars, bodies strewn about. Sometimes they were just abandoned. “Why though Michael? Who would build an office in Mt. Saint Helens? It’s stupi-“ she stopped looked behind them. “Michael we’ve got company.” Michael looked back and couldn’t believe his eyes. Another black Dodge Charger was racing up behind them, swerving wildly, doing at least 160. The second Charger rolled up beside them and matched their speed. Michael tensed up as he looked over and saw the blacked out passenger side window roll down. A black woman holding a baby in one hand and an uzi in the other looked at them as the driver shouted something Michael couldn’t make out, and waved a little handgun around. It looked like the two were arguing about something. The other charger revved their engine a couple of times. Then they rolled the window back up, and took off. “Were… were they trying to race us? Think they’ll be a problem?” “MICHAEL WATCH THE ROAD” The next thing he knew they were climbing out of the wreckage of his beloved car alongside the road, its metal twisted broken, fused to the dead car they plowed into at full speed. Neither had a scratch on them. Lucky, Michael guessed.
“WHOOOOOOO! LANA DID YOU SEE THAT? THEY DIDN’T EVEN STAND A CHANCE!”
“Goddamnit Archer! James Marshall, as in the President of the United States of America, as in our country personally went to Mallory to give us this mission. And you’re street racing other survivors? Can you please just this once take this seriously?”
“What Lana? Pam’s here and she’s like, a goddamn expert at street racing. So really we are in the most capable hands possible.”
“Yeah Lana geez trust me a little why don’t’chya? Relaaaaxxxx and enjoy the drive.” Pam slugged back another Red Beer and let loose a huge belch.
“I would relax but instead I have to deal with you two idiots driving like assholes. Oh and maybe I’m just a liiiittle stressed out over the GIANT NUCLEAR BOMB this maniac has pointed right at the last city in, oh I don’t know, the entire country? Oh and on top of that, if you hadn’t noticed, I HAVE MY BABY WITH ME. So no, Pam I won’t just re-“ The car slammed to a halt. “OH GODDAMNIT ARCHER WHAT NOW.”
“Uh, we’re here.” They were.
“Oh. Ray. Watch Abbiejean for me.”
“Oh right. Give the gay man the baby! Sure he’d love to be the babysitter! Oh don’t mind me, I’m just big gay ol’ Ray the babysitter!” Ray said from the backseat.
“Right?” Sterling chuckled.
“Ray, honey? You’re paralyzed, remember?”
Ray sighed. “Just give her here.”
The three field agents busted through the entrance to the complex to find… nothing. The place was completely empty. “Holy shitsnacks, where is everybody?” shouted Pam.
“Well wherever they are, they know exactly where we are now. Thanks. Pam.” Sterling glared at her. “It’s called the element of surprise, not the element of scream loudly as soon as you enter so the evil scientist knows you’re here! Whatever. Let’s just go.” They made their way through the hollowed out volcano up to the main chamber. A huge missile on a Launchpad in the center.
“Oh look who it is. Agents Sterling Archer, Lana Kane and… that one.” Doctor Evil stepped out of the shadows. “You’re too late, I’m afraid. You see, it’s 10:00 and I still don’t have my billion dollars. And so I’m afraid Las Vegas is doomed. And so, I’m afraid, are you. Muahahahaha!” A hole began to open in the floor beneath them, revealing a pit of lava, and several skeletons wearing “Evil, Inc.” hardhats around the edge. “Look, dick. This is a stupid idea and I don’t have time to argue with you.” They walked left to avoid falling into the slowly opening pit. “I have two sets of twins waiting for me back at the Bellagio. Twins. Two of them. That’s like… that’s like… wait I had something for this. Eh whatever” Archer raised his pistol and shot Dr. Evil straight between the eyes. “Launch sequence activated. Time to launch: 2 minutes.” “NO GODDAMNIT” a familiar voice rang from behind the control board. Lana ran to see who it was, and saw Dr. Krieger frantically typing away at the computer. “Krieger?” The three shouted in unison. “Hello.” “What the hell are you doing here?!” “Trying to save the world! Now if you don’t mind, I can’t get past the cyclomatic double encrypted security protocols to stop this thing from turning Las Vegas into a crater the size of… Las Vegas!” Krieger went back to typing furiously. Archer pulled out a flask. “Hey Lana. Want some?” “Seriously, Archer? What is your problem?” “Honestly? I think I might be an alcoholic.” “Aww.” Pam sighed. “10 seconds to launch.” “There we go and just have to get past the last firewall and as soon as I hit this button….” “WAIT I WANT TO DO IT! I WANT TO DO IT!” Archer shoved past the three of them, knocking over Krieger and pressing almost every button on the console. The three of them looked on in horror as the missile launched off into the air and out of sight towards the south. “Uh… Krieger did it.” “YOU IDIOT! YOU’VE DOOMED US ALL!” Lana screamed as Pam broke down in tears. “Wait! Maybe not!” Krieger entered a few keystrokes. “It looks like when douchebag here shoved me, he changed the trajectory of the launch. The missile should be landing harmlessly in the middle of the desert!” “I SAVE THE DAY AGAIN! WHOOO! Guess that’s what you get with me in the… hey Lana.” Lana ignored him. “Lana. Lana. Lana. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” “WHAT?!” Archer shook with light laughter. “Dangerzone.”
The mushroom cloud rose up in the distance and the general breathed a sigh of relief. It was far enough away that Las Vegas should be fine. When he heard the sirens go off he had feared for the worst. Everyone had. But it looks like God was on their side, for once. The last civilian city was saved. For now.
He glanced up in the sky and saw something coming towards him… falling fast. It landed with an audible thud about 100 feet away from where he was standing. He sprinted towards where it landed and saw… an old-fashioned refrigerator. It looked like it belonged in the 1950s, and definitely didn’t belong falling out of the sky. As he inspected it, the door actually popped open. “What in the hell?”
A man stepped out of the fridge! He seemed a little shaken, but otherwise completely ok. Dressed in a brown jacket, he stood up, picked up a large brimmed hat and dusted it off before putting it on his head.The general raised his weapon and pointed it at the stranger who just stepped out of the refrigerator from the sky. “Who are you?”
“My name is Indiana Jones. Tell the President I need to see him.”