3. [WP] You are a vampire who likes to help humans instead of hurting them, so you ...

[WP] You are a vampire who likes to help humans instead of hurting them, so you became a doctor. Over the hospital's PA system one day you hear "Dr. Acula, Mr. Helsing is ready to see you."

[FREEZE FRAME]
JD (internally): You might be wondering how I was able to wrangle the hospital into backing my award-winning screenplay. You're right, I haven't. Finding someone to play my nemesis has proven harder than I thought...

[CUT TO DR. COX] Dr. Cox: Now listen here, Bella. I will only say this once: I will neeheheheeever be any part of your misguided foray into angsty necrophilia. The last thing I need is some creep lurking around in the morgue.

Doug: Hi, Dr. Cox. These are the autopsy reports you wanted.

Dr. Cox: By Sweet Mary, and there he is... (rubs temples)

[CUT TO KELSO] Dr. Kelso: (guffaws) HAHAHA! Listen here, sport. If I wanted to subject myself to hours of torture, I might as well go home and talk to my wife! But I encourage your forays into gay porn. You remind me a lot of my son...

[CUT TO PRESENT] JD (confused): Who wrote himself in as "Mr. Helsing?" And how did he get a hold of my script?

[JD feels a sudden chill crawl upon him as the lights in the hospital go dark. He senses a malevolent presence nearby, and squints to gaze upon a dark figure at the end of the hall. The silence is pierced by the sharp jingling of keys]

JD:...Janitor.

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