3. [WP] God explains to a newly dead person he doesn't have a clue how anything wor...

[WP] God explains to a newly dead person he doesn't have a clue how anything works. It goes worse than you would expect

"Hello. Welcome. Come in," God motioned the weary traveler into his chambers.

"Wh- where? What?"

"Just sit down; have a seat. There," God motioned to a chair covered in a disorganized pile of books and papers. He snapped his fingers and the clutter disappeared. "I'll explain everything in a moment."

The man, understandably confused, followed the instructions and took his seat. He waited for a moment as God shuffled around the small office."

"Are you - uh," he chuckled uncomfortably at the absurdity of the question he was about to ask," are you God?"

"Yeah, yes. Just wait silently for a minute. I'm trying to find your shit - um - your papers," God replied. "I'm not used to doing intake, but we're horribly understaffed today."

"So am I dead?" the man asked.

God stopped what he was doing and turned impatiently towards the man, "Seriously Lionel, can you please just shut the fuck up for, like, two minutes so I can get your shit in order?"

"Yeah," Lionel slumped in his chair. "Sorry..."

God returned to his work and, after ten minutes, evidently found what he was looking for. "Praise me!" he yelled - laughing at his joke - he inspected his guest to see if he was, too, laughing. Lionel was not- so, God carried the file to his desk and sat. "So, Lionel, your file says you died fucking a whore. Nice."

"Well... maybe. That's the last thing I remember so-"

"I was telling you, not asking you," God interrupted.

"Oh," Lionel sulked.

God slid the file across his desk. "Fill these out. I'll be back in 20." And he left the room.

An hour later, God returned to the room. "You done?" he asked.

"Yes," replied Lionel. "What's next?"

"The hell if I know."

God pulled a glass figurine from a box in the room, followed by a plastic baggie.

"Is that weed?" asked Lionel.

"Yep- want some?" he offered.

"Uh- yeah. Ok... why not?" And Lionel watched as God packed the bowl. "I can't believe you smoke weed."

"Why? It's awesome."

"Uh, ok, but-"

"But what?" God interrupted again.

"But Christians on earth are opposed to - well - anything fun."

"Heh," God took a draw from the bowl, "they've gotten very little right," and he exhaled.

"Can I ask you a question that has bothered me for, uh, well, years?"

"Yep," God replied dismissively.

"Why haven't there been any miracles in - well - hundreds and thousands of years?"

God looked annoyed now, "uh, fuck. That was one of the earlier guys. He was too fuckin' flashy if you ask me. He even let one guy survive whale ingestion. And you should have seen Moses's face when the Red Sea actually parted. Hilarious. But really- all that miracle shit is so much work" Gods mood seemed to lighten.

"So there is more than one God?" asked Lionel.

Good looked annoyed again, "No, there's only one God. I am Him. But we each serve terms- we are elected for a term." He was skipping the details, "we each serve our terms, then we get on with our afterlives."

Lionel looked confused again, "Do you mind if I ask another question?"

"No more questions," God barked, then killed the bowl without sharing. He leaned back in his chair and propped his feet upon his desk. He pulled his hands behind he head, then looked at Lionel for a time. "Listen, I'm sorry for getting shitty with you it's just -- this is only my second day and -- well --- to be honest -- I don't have a fucking clue what I'm supposed to do with you now.

A knock at the door.

"Yeah- come in." God stood up from his desk.

"You're late for your 4:30," a unbelievably beautiful woman stood in the door now.

"Yes, of course," God replied, trying to look official.

"Is she an angel?" asked Lionel.

God rolled his eyes and walked towards the door, patting the woman's rear as he moved past. "Good luck, Lionel." And the door closed behind him.

/r/WritingPrompts Thread
Previous
Next

Recently removed from /r/WritingPrompts

[SP] No matter how much you drink you can't forget [WP] An adventuring party is hired to collect back taxes of a local dragon [WP] You wake up in the middle of the night with your paralysis demon cowering in the corner of your room, scared to death of whatever stands at the end of your bed. [WP] In a dingy, cyberpunk city, civility is a word missing from almost every gang's vocabulary, except for one. With the trappings of the romanticised mobsters of the 30s, they're equal parts loved and lauded for their strict code of conduct. You play by The Family's rules, or you're outta here. [WP] Turns out everyone's religion is "true," and they go to the afterlife they believe in most. You, an atheist, have just died. And the universe took you at your word when you joked about worshiping the Flying Spaghetti Monster. [WP] "Hey man, seeing ya after 5 years. How's life been?", "Just the same old, pal. Nothing much happened.", "Bro... I see you missing a hand and a leg.. your left eye is glowing green.. and your dog is constantly covered in BLUE flames... How in the world you feel nothing much happened?" [WP] An over-thinking scientist continually devises plans to get the main hero to notice them, though all of their attempts end up misinterpreted as desperate attempts to take over the world [WP] A creature beyond comprehension watches you, your every move is narrated in a calming voice all around you that you can’t pinpoint, and you believe you see cameras right outside your field of vision. [WP] While checking out an abandoned island with your new friends, you decide to look at the local pictures online. The only one nearby is a photo of you and your friends posted a month ago, before any of you even met. [WP] a witch is hired by some troubled parents, to frighten children into getting fit. [WP] "Attention, denizens of the Underworld. One among you tried to blackmail me, stating that unless I did as you wish, you would make public photos of me having a 'fairy princess' tea party with my human goddaughter in the Mortal Realm. I released those pictures for viewing myself this morning." [WP] As a little kid, you liked to pull harmless pranks on the local cryptids. As you grew older you realized the danger of going out into the woods and stopped visiting them. Turns out, the cryptids had fond memories of your antics and want to come and see you again. [WP] You are a supervillain who went undercover as a superhero for jokes, only to discover how corrupt the system is in the hero society. The system is so corrupt that you agree to lead a small group of superheroes to rebel against the unjust hero society. [WP] Everyone in the galactic community had heard the tales of Human endurance, it had been the stuff of story or nightmare in the decades since first contact. But nothing had prepared the Galactic Council for the first time a human representative broke out the Filibuster. [WP] You appear in an infinite white void of a room with nothing more than yourself, and a white piece of paper which reads, “You have been banned from existence.”

More Random Comments

Experiences with myPTSD forum and OutOfTheFOG forum? The Saga that was my Customer Support Ticket after an interesting incident in ETF Discord. Shitty soup bowl How do you get over the feeling that you're running out of time to do the things that you want to in life? The ultimate blackpill What was your childhood like? [ELI5] that effect when an aux chord is dying and the entirety of the mix can be heard, minus the vocals. This library was built exactly over the Canada-USA border (the black line) Intel presented, stating that Russia has "compromising information" on Trump. Thanks, Obama. My cancer treatment bill. 4chan /pol/ screen grab compilation of supposed hoaxer talking about creating this whole document - not sure if this has already been posted. Dad recently passed away; potentially lied on FAFSA for my brother? Options? Cards - Learn about the tarot cards! Help! Weird financial aid bind. I made this today. (r/Overwatch removed my original post at ~500 upvotes rip)