"He's what?" I asked Janis for the third straight time over the phone. "Jesus. Alright, I'll skip the rest of our deliveries for the day. I'm on my way back to the clubhouse now. Just tell Jimi to calm down. I'll be right there. It's only noon. We still have time."
Long story short, because it wouldn't be worth going into the full explanation, TMZCNN just ran a story down on earth that that Justin Bieber kid was on life support. It took Janis the last twenty-five minutes to explain that to me over the phone and she's literally watching the live coverage. Twenty-five fucking minutes. She's a great girl, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish for her sake that alcohol didn't exist up here.
"I don't see why everybody's freaking out. She seems like a cool enough chick." Jim said as I burst through the door and locked the cash up in our safe. Currency really doesn't hold a monetary value here in the musician's after life, but we've found that selling marijuana keeps us busy and takes our mind off the whole eternity thing.
"No, he's not--he's not a chick. Talk to him, Kurt. You know I can't deal with him when he's like this." Jimi said, storming through the living room. I looked down at Jim. He just sat there on his favorite bean bag chair, twirling his hair, oblivious to the commotion, and by the looks of it he was peaking on something.
"They're just freaking out because he sings about babies or some shit, Jimbo. It's not a big deal. We're low on members anyway." Janis said, slugging her Southern Comfort and watching the TV screen. Jim nodded his head like he understood, but I could tell he didn't even remember that he had asked the question in the first place. The dude has mastered the ability of turning even the most pertinent questions into rhetorical ones.
"What the hell? Is that honestly all you've gotten from what Harvey's been reporting all morning, Janis? Christ." Jimi said through his teeth. I could see that he was already to the end of his absurdly short temper. I muted the TV. I've never been able to handle the news since that bull shit tabloid company took over in the merger of 2019.
"Guys, nobody's mad at him or the situation because of his music," I started, "but the kid's turning 27 at midnight and he's on life support. If he doesn't die in the next twelve hours, he'll have a full year to join our club."
"And that can't fucking happen." Jimi fumed.
"It wouldn't be ideal, but since he's on life support, we're running a high risk." I said.
"So what do we do?" Jimi asked.
"That's easy. Let's just do the opposite of what we did when you-know-who-turned twenty-seven." Janis slurred to Jimi, as she non-discreetly pointed at me from across the room.
"Me?" I asked, "What did you do to me when I turned twenty seven?"
"Are you kidding me, Janis?" Jimi grabbed her liquor bottle. "Why would you tell him that?"
"Tell me what?" Jim asked, still out to brunch.
"Tell me what?" I asked.
"Fucking shit, Janis," Jimi took a sip of Janis' juice, "This is awkward."
"What did you do when I turned 27?" I persisted. It was obvious that Jim just finally caught on from the repetition of the conversation. It usually took him a couple times through.
"Oh shit, I just remembered." Jim said.
"Well, we might as well just tell him now, guys." Janis proposed.
"Be my guest," Jimi shook his head in anger, "And, Kurt, I'm sorry ahead of time, but it was Janis' idea. She wanted to bang you if I remember right."
"No, I said I liked his music, Jimi," Janis argued, "that's all it was ever about."
"Kurt, I love your music. I still do," Jim laid back in his bean bag, as he sparked up a joint, "I wasn't a part of agreeing to do what they did to you, at the time, when they wanted to do it, but I can agree that you were a good musician and I'm happy you're in the club, pal. I just wanted to get that out before you got mad at everyone."
"Somebody start explaining this to me please." I said.
"It really doesn't change anything, we have to deal with this Bieber thing now and we're running out of time." Jimi turned the volume on the TV back up. I ripped the power chord out of the socket. The clubhouse fell silent. I can safely say that they had never seen me this mad or confused.
"What did you do to me when I was alive?" I asked one more time.
"We talked Death into taking you a little bit earlier than he might have originally planned too." Janis said, avoiding eye contact. My stomach dropped. I'm sure I mouthed the word 'what' or something, "If it helps, it didn't take much bribing. We had to jump through some hoops, but you only had a year or two left in you anyway so we made an executive decision to just get it over with."
It was at that moment that my tunnel vision began.
"Now Kurt, relax," Jimi said, "Nothing can change what we did. But we're a big happy family now, and we need to put our heads together. If we could do it to you back then to you, we could do it to Justin now, but this time before midnight to assure he doesn't make it to twenty-seven."
I looked at my club members. I honestly never knew why I had died when I did. I mean sure, there was always that chance that it would happen, that was just the lifestyle I lived at the time, but the entire thing had just never added up, and now I knew why.
"But how?" I managed to ask, as I collapsed onto the couch.
"Before I answer, are you mad at us, or just surprised?" Jimi asked. I had never seen him this nervous around me.
"How?" I asked again.
"We talked Death into breaking your life vinyl. We needed someone new in the club. I was sick of hanging out with these two drunks all the time." Jimi pointed at Janis and Jim.
"Black pot calling the kettle drunk, Jimi." Jim said.
"How--how did you do it to me?" I asked, starting to lose consciousness as I looked around the room.
"He just told you," Janis said. I glared at her, trying my best not to pass out from what I was hearing. She smiled, oblivious to just how big of a bomb she dropped on me, "And the good news is, we can do it to the stud that sings about babies too, but we need to hurry. Death will have his vinyl, we'll bribe him to break it before he turns twenty seven tonight, and we won't have any more new members. He can start his own twenty-six club or something. Get up, let's go, Kurty."
I started to blink, trying to stay awake as Jim held out his joint for me. I closed my eyes as the smoke clouded around me.
"We just have to go find out where Death is and convince him to do it," Jimi said, patting me on the back. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear him echo through my brain as I drifted out of consciousness into the couch, "He might need another bribe, but come on, I'll drive us over to Rehab. Amy will know where to find him."