It was ridiculous enough already. We're in the year 2015 and I'm just another dude who played too many games as a kid, but that's not all that relevant now is it?
The woman I had been seeing found out three weeks ago that she was the long lost princess of some unpronounceable country, and two days after that she was kidnapped. The police wouldn't get involved as it was an international matter, the state department didn't officially recognize her country and furthermore there was some variety of international law regarding sovereignty and such.
Fast forward to me flying down there to see about negotiations or whatever and we get to where things got stranger. Practically the second I'm off the plane this strange old guy tells me it's dangerous to go alone and that I should take this as he hands me a ludicrously sized sword. He's gone before I can even consider what the hell this is about, but thankfully no one seems to find any of this strange.
Turns out he was right though. From there on out I was attacked and thrust ever forward into this madness. I ate mushrooms that made me twice my height (not just hallucinating unfortunately) and flowers that made me spit fire, which came in handy startlingly often. I even picked up rings along the way that for no directly sensible reason I always dropped whenever I bumped into anything... There were like these lieutenants around too with special weapons. The strange part is that they'd literally explode when I gained the upper hand and leave their special ability weapon behind.
So here I am now. I fought a giant mecha lizard commanded by an overweight doctor with a strange mustache that took on three forms before he finally ran the hell away. Seriously, dude was nuts. He had drones driven by bunnies instead of computers! There's a room full of spinning blades, collapsing platforms, flamethrowers, falling rocks with mean faces, and one Canadian Goose.
Frankly at this point it's the goose that scares me. Everything else, as insane as it may be, is just another troublesome facet of this psychotic place. The goose though? He looks normal and he's walking around the traps with blades spinning hundreds of times a second fractions of an inch from his face... and he's just glaring at me.
I can hear her calling for me somewhere out of sight though. She's obviously trapped in there somewhere and scared. I'm going in there in just a second and I'm telling you the fucking goose knows. He's not honking or anything now, just staring me down and daring me. Fire, saw blades, and explosions surround his motionless and murderous gaze and for the first time since I hit an odd sort of stride in this insane place... I'm scared.