I don't really know what to say for this one. I'm too wrapped up in the paragraph to actually look at the pictures. I'm not going to give you advice on how to look hot or whatever. I'm going to give you some regular advice instead:
i was ugly to begin with now im ugly and fat also ill probably be alone forever because i have a terrible personality and am pessimistic and autistic
I'm confused as to why you would ask a group of strangers if you're ugly when you've already clearly damned yourself to be. I think a million people can say you're flawless and it won't make you feel any differently because you are still bullying yourself. You need to make sure you stop doing it. One trick is learned is to put "I feel" in front of things like that. I feel ugly, I feel sad, I feel fat as opposed to I am ugly, I am sad, I am fat. Do you see the difference? Don't condemn yourself to attributes. It is literally one of the best pieces of advice I've gotten in my life.
Also, you're looking into the future ("I'll be alone forever"). Don't do it. If you're depressed then looking ahead will only look bleak. No depressed person ever thought about their future and pictured it full of sunshine and rainbows. Stay in the present, at least for now.
Along the same lines, don't look into the past. Your past sucks, it just does. If you are so negative/pessimistic, that creates a kind of aura around you. And a person will know that. And even if you're Angelina Jolie, no one would want to hang out with you - people run from negativity. ALSO, you don't have a healthy sense of self. You're defining yourself through past events in your life. They were in the past, you can't cling onto them forever. What are you doing now? That's important too.
At least for the moment, stay away from any negative possible thing. Negative people, negative environments, negative comments, etc. I noticed on your instagram photo that certain people liked it and I'm going to go out on a limb that it was hashtagged with #suicide or something. If you really really think you're ugly, okay. BUT don't write it, don't make it permanent. I know negative thoughts are inescapable but writing "reminders" to yourself is. You're setting up your own negative environment.
I'm sure a bunch of people will tell you to go get help. You seem to have already. Stick with the psychiatrist (add the therapist if you can) and tell him/her your meds aren't working - they need to change them. I also recommend DBT if you have access to it at any point. But forget the therapy, get the meds done first.
Okay I might look like a super huge douche for writing this irrelevant novel but it was important to me to do so. And I hope I don't look condescending because you don't have to take the advice if you don't want to. But I was in your shoes. Depressed, suicide, low-self esteem everything. And it sucks, it really really sucks. But the one positive thing about the experience is that I can at least share some of my tricks with others and help them, even if it's only a tiny bit.
I'm pretty good now. I found a medication that worked, I changed my thinking patterns, etc. --- And now I think I'm drop dead gorgeous.
(23f)