3. 2016 is off to a poor start

2016 is off to a poor start

I will hang in there ;)

I'm seeing a therapist. We're only 2 sessions in, so we haven't really done anything yet aside from talking, but well.

That feeling is the worst thing. Feeling empty and worthless all the time, not being able to see the few good things we have.
Like, I know I shouldn't be depressed. Aside from a few things, I'm far better than a lot of people here. I have friends, parents that love me, I'm still a student but I'm really talented at what I do.
I should be really happy, but I'm not and I don't know why. I can't pinpoint to anything. It's just... there.

Based on the personality test my therapist asked me to fill in for next Tuesday, I can already tell we'll work on self-confidence, self-worth and trust issues. Maybe that's what gets me depressed ? I don't know. I'm kind of tired to wait for us to start, honestly, but my therapist seems kind and has a pretty good personality, so I'll stay with her and see what the next few months bring.

I don't think my friends think I fake it. They've known for some time that something is wrong and my best friend was the one to ask me to see a therapist.
I'm the one that feels like I'm doing it for attention, actually. So usually, I just shut up and don't talk about it. If someone asks, I'm feeling fine.

I absolutely hate the lack of control I have over my depression. It really feels like I'm at the mercy of some thing I don't understand and don't have any control on.
I just feel like some sort of depressive puppet that just reacts to something some other entity controls.

But I'm going to keep going. I've been feeling like this inside for a bit more than 10 years. It's just now coming out.
I've never been courageous enough to seriously consider suicide. I was tempted, it almost felt good thinking about it, but I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. And I'm still not able to.
In the worst case, I keep going on like this until it's too much. In the best case, my therapy helps me get through this and I'm finally able to enjoy life and what it has to offer.

We'll see...

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