So, obviously you definetly want to kill yourself and there is no way anything can help you as you stated but I just wanted to give you some information about me and my situation: So when i was 6, my grandmother died, this was basically not a big deal as I was not that old at that time. On the 8th November of a certain year I went to a Halloween sleepover party in my town, I was 11 at that point, and for some reason I had a really bad feeling about my father as he sometimes had some issues with alcohol and threatened to kill himself. So when I was picked up the other day, the 9th of November, my mother and my grandfather picked me up. Being suspicious I came into my house and guess what, my father was not there, he was dead and my mother said he died from a heart-attack. I, although think that it was a suicide from his side even when i was 11 at that time. So the next months I was struggling with my life really hard, went to several psychologist because I wanted to kill myself and nothing helped but then.. I got into gaming and yeah this is the point where my life changed. I was gaming for like 8 hours everyday and everytime I joined a game I forgot everything around me. My mother realized that and didn't stop me from playing video games. The outcome is that I'm now completly healthy, have a girlfriend and although my uncle died of cancer last year I didn't get into depressions again. Many things have changed throughout these years but one thing is there to always cheer me up when I'm down and thats gaming. What I want to say is, I don't want you to kill yourself, in the months to april you should try out everything you've not done and want to do, you might find something to keep you alive. Life can be a bitch, I realized that as half of my family is dead of diseases now, but life can also be wonderful if you find the right way for it to be wonderful (as I said, for me the world is wonderful because of gaming). I can also recommend the movie "A long way down", they are basically in the same position as you and well yeah just watch it bro. If you have anything you want to talk about hit me up, we can even exchange facebook or so I'm glad if i can help.