I'm 22 and just started grad school. I never think about they abandon me but I think about they will die. I have been thinking about that for more than a year. Sometimes I think about they getting sick and need money.

I gave up my original major which might need me to do a Ph.D. and switch to CS for my grad studies. When I switch, I was thinking if they need me maybe I can find a job and work right away and give them money.

I don't have too many friends and my mom and dad are the only close people I have. I don't know which scares me more, they die and leave me all alone in this world, or I get severe illness / die and cannot take care of them when they need me. I think about this almost everyday.

From this term, I tried really really hard to find intern. I can manage my life very well except that I am not financially independent. I feel once I can make money and survive without their financial support, I will be a real person. I am still looking for jobs. The stress these things create me make me want to kill myself almost everyday. And I have to admit that they are the only reason I am still alive. Sometimes I feel I live for them, not for me. Thinking about in the near future, I need to take the responsibility to take care of them and maybe send them to the other world really freaks me out. I went away from home two years ago. Every term if I have time, I go back home to visit them. I didn't go to any other place except where I study and where they are for more than a year.

All I can think about now is studying hard, finish my degree and find a job to survive. What to do next after I know I can make money. I really don't know.