Apparently as a baby I had to wear these leg braces that straightened my feet, whenever I cried from being in them my dad would yell at my mom to leave me alone and just let me cry. When I got older anytime he said hurtful things to me and I'd cry he would start getting hostile and demand I stop crying which gave me panic attacks. Now I suppress my emotions almost all of the time. I can't talk to strangers for more than a few minutes without feeling drained from faking being normal and interested in the discussion. I have people who want to be friends with me but I don't feel anything for them so I keep them at a distance. When I'm cold and empty I come off as normal and logical but on the inside I just constantly think about suicide. Sometimes I get triggered by family who refuses to get help or if I'm in a relationship that I care about that's falling apart. So for now, I isolate myself from most other people while I study DBT on my own. I know I'm not capable of having a healthy relationship so I don't try. Sometimes I feel very alone and like my best days will be lost to mental illness. I've gotten into the habit of being stoned all day to make sure I don't feel anything too strongly and I behave normally. If it were up to me marijuana would be studied for BPD and then people could have access to the pill form to get relief.