Yes--what you are saying totally resonates. Even amongst my friends who are very empathic whom I've spoken with a lot, I still don't think any of them truly understands what I am talking about to the extent that all of the other people who have experienced it here do. What I've come to realize in processing these thoughts with you all (this has all been so freaking clarifying, validating, and helpful!!!) is that emotional abuse is actually really really really complicated--much more so than I had ever thought before I went through this. I'm starting to understand that part of the oddness of recovery and how it feels like "coming to" is that it must involve a process of actively separating out YOUR identity from the identity you came to believe you had from a.) who the N partner made you believe you are and b.) the dance you were doing with N partner in which you took on a specific role in relation to what N was doing (really does seem analogous in some ways to the two "roles" in ballroom dance, come to think of it...). Anyway, it's this process of having to re-figure out: what is reality? which way is up and which way is down? which of my feelings are real? what traits and preferences and behaviors do I have vs. what came to be merged with me in that relationship? etc. etc. (these examples I just gave are not doing it justice...) It is actually kind of philosophical and super super weird...it feels like you have to separate these things for each little facet of life so I guess it takes a while...furthermore, you can only begin to really do this once you can know for sure that you were indeed abused (what I described about being dismissed/not believed/blamed by even well-meaning people hinders this) as well as which specific behaviors were abusive, how that all worked and influenced you...you have to separate in your mind what is normal behavior from a partner and what is actually a pattern of abuse. I am really glad we can talk on here, validate each other, share experiences and insights, etc. because as you said, it is so so hard (impossible?) to really 'get' all of this without having experienced it.

I think this also relates, as I was touching upon above, to a general theme in how mental health problems tend to be handled. Example: my friend who had cancer once said to me, "you want to know something terrible? depression is worse." Not in the sense of the two illnesses competing but more like, as she went on to explain: when you have cancer, people around you tend to understand that you are going through something really difficult. They do not blame you for it or expect the same level of functioning from you as if you were completely healthy. They give you cards, come to see you, offer emotional support. Meanwhile, what often happens with depression is that the person experiencing it not only goes through that experience but also is often not fully believed/taken seriously, is often BLAMED For it in one way or another, and meanwhile not receiving high levels of sympathy/support and feeling very isolated and alone. I know this is a gross overgeneralization and oversimplification but perhaps you get the gist of what I'm saying re: things going on in your head having the potential to be just as painful as things going on visibly with your body yet how others respond, what is believed, whom it is blamed on tends to be very different....