At the tail end of a 2 week near dail......fuck who am I kidding, "near" lol. 2 weeks of daily endless stimulant abuse. Time has lost all meaning. 8pm last night felt like a minute ago. I get lost in a second then snap out of my obsessive trance and 3 hours have passed. I did WHAT for 3 hours? Oh really? And barely moved? Sounds about right yeah. Oh, 3 hours is a long time? Is it? I forget. Maybe it is. So what? 2 weeks? All just one long day. Dopamine rushes stomping with confidence all across my brain while poor little sleep deprivation runs behind trying to rein them in but they keep popping up again hour after hour! And that's because you run, sleep dep, while dopamine RUSHES. Damn, you learn slower than you run! No wonder all you want to do is sleep all day, lazy bones.

2 weeks spent with the ghosts of peaceful eternity and zombie stagnation sitting side by side next to me. Often they don't feel so different.

And now it hit me, when sleep is so often likened to death and vice versa, this lifestyle... with a sheer poverty of sleep found within it, and hour here, a few hours there, whatever...

This must be...the most life-affirming way to live. To let the world - life - OVERLOAD your senses with its bounties and quirks, to deny rest. This is to say YES to life. Or am I wrong?

And it's been interesting and scary at times but tonight, just tonight maybe 25 minutes ago it was finally serene. It's fucking freezing outside, I'm taking a walk to pick up some food finally... Hit up a fat line just before I leave and even before the straw reaches the end of that CD case so caked in powder residue it looks like it has dandruff I fucking KNOW it...yyyyyuuuuuuuuppppshitfuckcunt overdid it again and there's my heart rather aggressively reminding me he's still in there and there's my nerve endings tingling with every. Fucking. Movement. And I know I'm no match for it so I dive backwards onto the bed and spread out like a whore getting ready to make some cash and I breathe ... And breathe... And its still there so I breathe again, deep breaths... And the Shinkansen turns into a Victorian steam engine and my god this seems to get easier each time it happens but however familiar it remains ever as intense ...

So the storm passed this time, I get my shoes and throw on a big warm hooded jacket because there's a rather more literal storm to deal with outside ... Man the streetlights clashing against the darkness of the sky, the leftover snow piled up in the funniest places, I'm walking steady, making it, slow, walk slow, no legs not like that - SLOW like kind of try to think of THE OPPOSITE of what you're doing now and justahhhhfuckkt SPUN the fuck out on a cold winter night I give in. Two people I knew from school pass me but it's too dark and my vision is too shaky to see if they recognised me and who even cares ... And I felt everything in 1 second, saw the past again, speculated the future, lived in the present, all the good and the bad and the childhood Christmas Eves and the Schopenhauers all together at once ... No longer separate, when everything moves so fast it all kind of gets blown into a corner together and the distinctions melt away and in that moment staring up at the moon I said Yes If this is It, Yes If it ends on this road, Yes If you want to take me, Yes, Yes Yes million times Yes if this is death calling I can hear you and I'm willing to talk.

Stood there waiting. Tempting fate? Just waited. No fear. No peace. No struggle. Only a basic acceptance that there is a Time for all of us and if this was to be mine then so be it, the idea seemed unremarkable, plain, barely worth thinking about. So if it's Now then hit me with your best shot.

Well, I'm still here, so it wasn't Now (Then?). When it passed I finally started to walk slowly and bought a delicious curry. I enjoy food when I'm hungry because I'm an animal with a stomach. No big deal.

Likewise whatever my life is filled however I "improve", eat healthier, meet new people, some day I'll just Expire and that'll be it. I'll disappear into that long long night and leave another few square inches to be occupied by someone else, there are literally billions of us after all.

So sure tonight I was Ready and deep down I always have been. I'm not actively seeking it out at the moment, but I'm Ready. 10 years? 1 year? Tomorrow? 2018, 19, January, June, November? ... 70 years (if any God has mercy on me at all PLEASE not fucking this one)?

It's all one long day. That's all it is. I'm Ready whenever.