great article.
gender roles in the Church are a terrible thing and caused me a big depression. My ex-wife is abusive, sleeps 12 - 16 hours, most of the time she watches tv and I work at home and had to take care of the kids (because if I wouldn't no one would). It reached a point where I was asked at school if my wife is still around, because no one has seen her for half a year.
Things Mormon visitors told my ex-wife (who always put a big and warm smile on on Sunday and acts like the perfect TBM):
Your children are lovely. You are such a wonderful mother.
You are stressed out? Oh, we totally understand you. (reinforcing her belief that she has stress, while her husband does most of the things)
We know your husband is not doing well and having issues with the gospel, but we are there for you. If you need a blessing, just let us know. Stay strong.
God loves you. We can feel that the spirit is strong within you
We are sorry that you are having difficulties with the decisions your husband takes about the family (ie refusing to move closer to the ward, or choosing a private school to accommodate the special needs of our child )
So in other words, she always received full support of the relief society. Because she is a mother, and all mothers are amazing people.
And this is what they told me:
You are saying, that you are forced to take care of the kids? You need to let her do it
Don't blame your wife for your faults
If you stay at home it is natural that the kids would bother you. You just need to manage it. Don't find always excuses. (Yes, but I was doing the job of a 70% mom. My stressed ex-wife in the meantime took a nap from 2pm to 4pm, after she stood up at 11am and went to bed at 7pm)
Your job is going down the drain? You can't go on like this. (often accusing me of being lazy, while I worked 7/7 days whenever I could)
You look terrible. (Well thanks. Not knowing how to escape the marriage and being broke because of it, while protecting the kids does it to people)
Not ever, has a person criticized my wife for not doing enough. Never ever, has a LDS person said to me: "Wow, I admire you. You take care of the children and work a demanding job. You are doing great. Things will get better."
Outside the church I think all people understood that something wasn't right with her. Especially considering that I was often the only man at parent meetings. But Mormons put their head in the sand and put all the blame on me. Sadly it was my parents and LDS counselling who convinced me to stay married before we had kids. Because god promised to heal her in a blessing.