Just have to get this out here and figure out my feelings. Long rant.

A few weeks after my 7 week miscarriage in May, my BIL and his new girlfriend of a few months visited us. I got along okay with her but she talks a lot and doesn't know when to stop, and lacks sensitivity and empathy for things that are important to me. We got onto the topic of the miscarriage and BIL was relatively empathetic (he went through it with his ex twice before his daughter was born), my husband and BIL then left the room to get coffee. New girlfriend proceeds to tell me that she's had three miscarriages in the past, implies that miscarriages before 8 weeks don't really count, and continues to talk about her own issues with fertility as I start to give all the body language signs that I want the conversation to end because it was upsetting me (I even stood up and started to move away). She did not stop talking. She would not let me get a word in so it felt less like a conversation and more like a lecture. I think she was trying to make me feel less alone, but so close in time to my own miscarriage and with a lack of sensitivity to early miscarriages, she really hurt me. It felt like she was trying to compete with me in the pain Olympics. I went upstairs and cried. I figured she is just not the person I will ever talk to about anything relating to TTC, loss, anything with depth, etc.

This morning my husband came downstairs to tell me that my BIL and new girlfriend had a miscarriage a month ago. Nobody else in the family knows about it. I got very upset about it. Obviously I feel very sad for them having to go through that, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

But then all these feelings came up that made me feel like a horrible person. I felt frustrated that my BIL has got a third woman pregnant by accident without trying. I felt anxiety because now I'm wondering if they will start trying and maybe they'll have a baby together before me and my husband. I felt embarrassed and ashamed by how fucking hard I am finding everyday life four months after my miscarriage, I cry about it all the time and seem to be getting worse rather than better. I felt awful that I just don't want to feel sympathy for them right now because I hurt so much and I don't have the capacity.

I'm seeing the entire family and going to multiple kids birthdays next week. I felt okay about it because they all know about my miscarriage and I can be open and upset about it, but now I feel like I'll be making a big deal out of mine compared to her, and I should just keep quiet to respect her situation. And, also, because I cannot have another conversation with her about it.

Rant over. Maybe I am reacting in a way that's kind of horrible, but I'm really struggling at the moment so maybe I'm allowed to for today.