Nothing's really keeping me 'going'. I have a bridge five minutes away that I could jump off of at any time. It's not a super long drop, but there's one of those giant concrete barriers that I could land on that'd certainly break my spine if I hit it.

I'm just not there yet. I wake up hoping that something will be different, even though logically I know nothing will be different today. The irrational part of my brain that wants to turn this around is keeping me here, even when I should just cut my losses.

And I'm scared. Death may be appealing, but dying is scary. So many things that could go wrong. So many things I need to prepare for and get in order.

I'd give anything to have some fatal illness or be involved in an accident. Have the choice not even be in my hands.