long answer (with no tldr!):

honestly, i have a predisposition for anxiety/depression/addiction. every single person on my mother's side of the family suffers from some sort of something. i have had a cousin commit suicide, another one is currently using (meth), aunts and uncles are bipolar and/or alcoholics. i recognized all of the signs when i was very young and stayed away from drugs/alcohol.

i came from a divorced family at age 3. mother remarried. i basically raised (3) half brothers from 10-18. almost didn't graduate from high school (due to depression). had to take an equivalent college course (psych) to graduate. failed out of college (again due to depression/anxiety) twice for computer science. never finished. i've stood on bridges, but never jumped. ended up going into tech in the 90s and made a bit of money.

my father wasn't really there as a kid. there were some traumatic events that happened from 4-18.

i live about 1.5 hours away from any major city (including my mother's side of the family). i'm reestablishing a friendgroup after i quit my job back in 2016).

the cool story that i eluded to in my previous response is this house. it was built/owned by the oldest woman to climb Mount Rainier (Bronka Sundstrom at 77). she's a holocaust survivor and saw her father walk into the chambers. she lost her only son to cancer. she ended up outliving her husband. she was alone in this house for 9 years before she decided to get off of the mountain. everyone knows her in this small town. my family has known her since the 80s. i'm a climber, skier, ultrarunner, and hiker so the house fits my lifestyle. BUT, it's isolated. i often try to put things in perspective and think about her story.

being 47, never married, no kids (never intended on having any), and well, with covid, life is interesting. add on MDD and stuff gets even more interesting. i also fell for a woman that ended back in April.