Thank you for your criticism, and absolutely no offence taken.

I think I'm running a fine line between the life I want, one that has a lot of risk and a lot of reward, and one that I'm currently living, that has a bit of safety net to it and a lot of "what the hell am I doing here?"

What the does a nomad need to speak Dutch for? Really, what does anyone need dutch for? This perk is a symptom of me actually enjoying life here for the moment, making dutch friends, feeling the natural desire to embed myself in the local culture. It's not a perk outside of that, and I feel silly for having written it.

I also think that for me, school has always been more of a challenge than working on my own. On my own, I can move vast distances towards a goal, and stop and smell the roses whenever I just need a break, with no one to answer to but myself. While this is very freeing, my progress feels stilted, like if I were a natural or just driven and passionate enough, I could make sure to do my daily work and catapult into success I've never really known. In a way, school would force this upon me in a do or die situation. In the real world, when I work hard, I will work so very hard that it does pay off enough to coast for a while, but then completely fuck off for a while or just lose interest/focus until I'm desperate again. I do a lot to try to manage my time better, to motivate, and to find balance, but sometimes I lapse and am very hard on myself. Perhaps school is not the cure for that, but it is an institution that requires a certain consistency. Therein lies an appeal.

Then, finally, and I'm revealing a lot of deep and personal insecurity to strangers on the internet (so be it) I've been thinking I'm a little afraid of success. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have to struggle with my finances, to use them as an excuse for my own lack of initiative. I've never really experienced any lasting success, nor have I ever had a role model in my parents. The warning from them has always been, if you don't swim, you will sink like me. I've always been afraid of the water as a result. My friends are wonderful, but their goals, ambitions, and dreams don't intersect with mine. Maybe I'm putting too much on that meeting with my nomad friend three years ago, but I have this feeling if I can connect with people who have some more of the perspective that I crave, self motivation would just be par for the course. I guess that's why I've posted here.

/rant.