Spring/Summer 2014
By mid-March, you’d gone Narcissist again after you stopped therapy and medication. Within weeks you were texting NSupply2 again. My work was picking up and I had to focus elsewhere but we were headed south, quickly. I’d not really seen my son at all with my focus on my new job and our constant life events.
My ex-wife was completely inconsiderate of my son’s feelings one weekend and seeing him hurt with really no way to retaliate without him paying the price, I was devastated. I cried on the balcony knowing I couldn’t turn to you – I’d basically shown you I have zero spine. We watched that stupid film where the black chick electrocutes her boyfriend for abusing her sister (I think) and because I was upset and had no one to turn to – I went out after a kiss on your forehead. Any closeness we had was gone and your head was elsewhere. The last time I saw “us” was the next day, April 7. You didn’t have bus fare to get to work when you popped in after a night at Coleen’s. As was and is still a question I have – you are always at work and so busy but never have any money… What gives? I’ve heard your friends and family ask that question.
I went to Washington and you left within minutes of my arrival home. I was livid prior to leaving and chose to focus on my work rather than engage you in discussion by phone. I understand that I refused to speak with you prior to leaving for Florida. You went to Enabler’s and when I returned to WA the following week you went rogue. This was the first real time you used Find My Friends to send me into a spiral of insecurity and emotional panic versus just being open, honest and telling me what was going on. The way you did that and behaved the following months showed me how callous and cruel you could be. I understand the situation with your son, but the way you did it was awful to do to someone you “love.” Those three months erased anything good we had shared and planted a seed of doubt in us that will continue to grow until it’s killed like the weed it is. I was gutted. I ignored my work, my son, my health and sent you over 4000 messages. You spoke with me twice, and lied to me during both conversations. You failed to come home 3x after promising to do so. NSupply2 sent me explicit messages about sex with you and you shared intimate details with him of our life together. You ignored my pleas to just communicate and give me some clarity so I could get closure. You refused. I felt suicidal. I went to my family for support in MA. There, after 3 months I accepted your demands that I move on and cut off contact after endlessly asking for some sign that I mattered – that what we shared meant anything to you. You threated to contact my boss, ex-wife, son and others. Within 48 hours of me not contacting you, you were lost and wondering if you’d ever speak to me again. Almost like the attention I watched NSupply2 give you - and I then subsequently shamed myself by doing the exact same thing. My attention was pleasing you and when it stopped you were panicked. My reaction to your behavior caused a problem at work that would take me until January of 2015 to resolve and may still cost me this opportunity.
I loved you and that simple gesture of want after all we’d been through hooked me again, but my brain said watch out, look over your shoulder and don’t give ALL your trust away again to this woman.
I still wasn’t sure. I had plans and extraordinary good luck that weekend. Kissed a chick Thursday night in Cincinatti, banged a completely random chick in NYC Friday night, and rekindled with an old, old flame Saturday night. But you were everywhere the entire time. Everything. While you ignored my constant pleas for humanity I fucked other women thinking of you. Like you thought of NSupply2 at times and VERY early on I thought of ex-GF. Knowing there was a woman in my bed, but I was in the bathroom texting you probably felt really good for you. I was elated to just be in some regular contact after being discarded the way I was.
Look, what you did last summer was unspeakable and we’ve discussed it ad nauseum. I present it here in context because – I get it. Why wouldn’t you leave such a weak and bitch of a man?
In June 2014 you came home again, after three months of humiliating and cuckolding me. I welcomed you with open arms, sent you $500 by western union when you ran out of gas and will admit… I have never seen you more beautiful and desirable than when you pulled up in the Jeep with no makeup, exhausted and used by another man. I’ll never forget your silhouette as you pulled in – that is what made me love you. By this point, how on fucking earth could you respect me? I was a professional door mat and let you walk all over me with spiked heels. I made one mistake over a year before this, but the back and forth with NSupply2 had gone on for over a year by then. I was certifiable. I’d have cut off an arm had you said to. You had complete and total control over me. I believed you 100% when you told me that you would never cut off contact with me and go silent again, now that you had experienced it. It was the worst experience of my life, to be ignored by someone I was so invested in and loved.
We each had requirements for our relationship to continue, as we recognized things we were unhappy about prior to our “break.” I wanted us to get help, for you to stabilize your Narcissist attitude and anger. You wanted a bigger apartment with a dedicated parking space now that you had new wheels (let’s ignore the insurance I paid and why you even have a vehicle – we’re both well aware). We were committed to one another and it was grand. I saw the sparkle in my girl’s eye when we saw this apartment and knew we had to have it – as long as we had some common agreements to make it fairer and financially possible. Lemarchand paid rent, cell phone, cable, internet, his child support and take his girl out once in a while. You had two financial responsibilities – your car and electric. Recognizing that I needed to focus on my career, I thought we agreed that you would cook and clean the apartment along with laundry. I spent money I did not have to get us into this place, all in the interest of being happy together. All this did for us was reinforce that you could walk all over me. Which was what you did.
Our relationship was never the same after June. A part of you never returned and I know that exposing my hurt and fears destroyed the image you had of me when we started dating – a man working in Manhattan, socially liked, well dressed with money. I was someone you were proud to stand with. I’ve erased the image of that man from your mind, no matter how much you say you love me. My behavior last summer, as well as recently literally drive you away.
So as I recall, and I may very well be mistaken – you got what you wanted when we reconciled. We had a bigger apartment where you could cook without worrying about my work, you had your own parking space. Again I showered you with gifts. While I may be generous and “nice,” what part of that would generate real respect for me in another person?
So you started getting all Narcissist again by mid-July. When I asked you about the things I needed for us to reconcile I got nowhere. Your typical demeanor of angry and belittling of me wouldn’t go away. Sure there were moments, Father’s Day and my 34th birthday were particularly nice. I hadn’t seen my son since April at this point and recognized that I had zero progress on my goal of settling my DUI. My money went to food, gifts, cigarettes, and bills. I was becoming very depressed. After all we’d been through – within a month we were back to being broken because I never set and enforced firm boundaries in our relationship. I let you walk all over me and that’s my fault. I tried to understand why you were treating me this way by snooping in your phone one night. I vowed to not do that again, but my anger over us lead me to snoop in your Facebook in August to find messages between you and a high school friend that were VERY inappropriate at this stage of our relationship. You dismissed my anger. I refused to feel foolish about this and ended the discussion. When I asked you your first response was “but he makes me feel good about myself!” I thought that was why we were together? I vowed to never snoop again, and I never did. I also emotionally checked out of us. My trust was gone and no amount of words could undo the actions I’d personally witnessed.
The great highlight of our relationship in August was seeing my son play ball. I’d not seen him since April before you’d left to reconcile with NSupply2 for Child3’s sake. It was great to see those two games. In preparation to see him finish the tournament I backed out of a meeting I was being pressured to go to. Signals got crossed and his game was a day before we thought it was – three consecutive days. When you got home, you were pissed. I can’t remember about what, but you were late, exhausted and in no mood for my needs. I never even brought it up that night and resigned myself to feeling my needs can’t even be expressed, yet alone met. That was the last time I saw him until January.
Also in August, upon return from another trip to WA (which makes me anxious every time I go now, due to April 2013) I found out you’d quit another job in a huff because you weren’t being treated properly. This is a common theme with you NarcGF – why does no one ever seem to treat you properly? You’ve told me repeatedly how awful I’ve been to you, how awful NSupply2 was, how bad almost everyone has been at one point or another. We accepted the event and moved on. Soon you’d be back in my old town with your support network and in an environment you enjoyed. Coming home was obviously not what you wanted, not here and not with me.