Thanks for writing this out, really. I'm sorry you had an experience like this as well, and honestly I have felt like I've been walking on eggshells since he came into existence and hit puberty.

The hardest part is that my brother refuses to get help. My parents have set him up with therapists, but he attends all of one session and never goes back. My parents have tried the 'normal' route of fixing things and he refuses it all; there is only so much they can do, until he starts flipping out and breaking shit in the house.

I literally have fucking PTSD in my hallway, checking around corners and such -- not knowing if he's there or not. It feels like a bad dream, like someone's chasing you and you can only run so fast. My fear is that he's super unpredictable, and whose to say he wouldn't kill me if he really felt like it? My fear is his fuel. He loves power. He lives for nothing. He has all of one friend. And he publicly posts stuff on Facebook that's just literally insane.

Let's say I did call the cops on him, and he acts appropriately somehow and they let him go home (which has happened before). Then I'm for sure dead. Or what if they go for my parents instead, then I have nowhere to live if other relatives don't accept me into their home, and we could end up together in a new home, without my parents. What if I call, and they do indeed kill him, and I have to live with the fact that I made the call, even if he deserved it? At times, calling the police seems like an easy fix, but it's not at all. I've seen this stuff happen before. People get revenge.

I'm just scared, because I've been playing tag, back and forth to my grandparents and home. He also comes here, and works out in the garage during the day. I just honestly think I hate him. I used to feel bad about that, but now I just want it to end. I've felt suicidal over this before, but talked myself out of it numerous times, for the sake of the younger one.