I still haven’t found a lot of joy in life after knowing what it was like to be in love with your best friend. I think about you frequently and how there is hopefully another timeline in this universe where we had that kid, made it out, and succeeded.

You had no idea the depravity my mind subjected me to on a daily basis being fresh in sobriety with no direction. My testosterone levels were below the lowest level before immediate treatment is required for our entire relationship as a result of concussions previously. I know you always thought you were only getting a fraction of me. And it was true.

I feel cheated by you, the universe, and myself. By me for not having found the solution to what was keeping me in my shell all that time sooner, and by not realizing you had a foot out the door to save yourself.

By the universe for allowing me to find somebody who I connected with 100% the second I laid my eyes on you and heard your voice. I still remember it to this day and how it felt.

And by you for knowing something was wrong, telling me frequently you would never leave me and that we were a team and would figure it out, and then leaving anyway. I will always love you. I will find somebody else, and there have been a lot of placeholders since you that were what I thought you lacked as my ideal person, but the truth is you were my ideal person and you will always be attached to me on some plane of existence that has no name. I mourn the loss everytime I brush my teeth, open my eyes, taste food, win something, or lose something. Every inch of progress is a loss, and every inch of loss is a red stamped reminder.

I am sorry I relapsed and lied to your face about it. The only thing keeping me alive at that point was you and something to take me out of myself when you weren’t around. By the time it was a problem I was already in too deep. I haven’t forgot my broken promises and my loss of dignity. Of all the shrapnel I carry - the broken bond of our truth is the most ridgid and deeply lodged.

Despite how happy I am that you were able to move on overnight, make a future for yourself, and carve out a new timeline...

It is just so impeccably disturbing to my psyche and soul that I knew and lost you before I ever had the hormones, the mental stability, and the strength to be there for you as an equal in the relationship. We were a true match, and we would have made it. I just wish you knew the truth.