The first time a guy fingered me I think I had a panic attack and started crying. I laugh thinking about it now, but I was 24 and couldn't handle it. And when it happened, the guy was great about it. Like stopped and held me and everything.

I know the "stiff as a board feeling." It's awkward and I've been there.

I don't really have a lot of advice, but just know that you aren't weird or anything. Also know that there are guys that are really cool about it - actually most of them are, you just got dealt a shitty hand with that dude.

I guess I would say that you should try to reframe your experience. Sure, the guy was a bit of a dick, but you accomplished some stuff. You went on a date, there was a kiss, you went to his place - it didn't end up how you wanted but it was a learning experience. You know more now than you did. When you start dating again, remind yourself that you're not lost - you have some experience under your belt.

There is someone that will go slow with you, and when you take it slow and let yourself get comfortable, the wanting to jump his bones will override your anxiety.