It sounds like you need healing and freedom from the abuse inflicted on you by your mother. I don't think flushing her ashes will help with that.

When I was in the midst of healing from childhood abuse, I went to the beach in the early morning and found a secluded spot, then found a bunch of flat rocks. I wrote the hurtful names I had been called, and words that brought back memories of the abuse I had suffered on to the rocks, then put them in a tote bag I had brought with me, and walked while holding the bag, feeling the heaviness of the rocks and the memories they symbolized.

When I was ready, I walked down to the water and threw the rocks, one by one, into the ocean. I was surprised at how hard I could throw, and all of the emotions that rose up within me. I screamed. I cried. There were a lot of rocks. Thank goodness there was no one to see or hear me. When the bag was empty, I sat on the sand and looked out on the ocean. I was in a peaceful, meditative state. I felt the emptiness and lightness of the bag now that the rocks were gone.

I found a small piece of white driftwood on the beach and wrote the word "freedom" on it.

That driftwood sat on my bookshelf for years. This was a powerful experience and a catalyst for healing for me.

Your mom broke your soul in many ways. But she is gone, and you can take steps to heal. Take positive, powerful steps and claim your freedom.