Oh my God I feel like I wrote this. I have all of this running through my head all the time. It's exhausting. From going to wishing there was an accident and I died, to being crippling afraid of that happening back and forth all the time. I think myself into a panic attack wondering if this is my last I love you or last look at my boyfriend. My last sleep in my bed with my dog. Wondering what random act will possibly result in my death. I need a switch to turn it off.

But like you said, this isn't you. It isn't me. Life happens and no one can be protected all the time. What we can do is be present (which is hard I know, trust me disassociation feels like a cruel mistress at this point) and not take anything for granted. Let people know you love them. Let them know that if anything were to ever happen to you or them, that you love them and you cherish them.

Bpd is a bitch but you can and will get better. I mean, I would rather live my life and die having fun than seclude myself to prevent it. Old age will catch up eventually so might as well go for it. Your boyfriend sounds phenomenal and understanding. I feel these words you've written so deep in me every day of my life and it's not easy and it is scary but you have the choice you know?

I've been thinking about talking to a therapist lately to get over these fears. Hopefully they can help me. Thank you for this post, it's good to know I'm not alone or weak for feeling this way. I hope you have a nice rest of your day