We all are vain prideful,bit is our natural state. I could catalog the extent of what I was before I found God. But it might depress you further.
Maybe you just need a spiritual adjustment and start again? If something at first does not succeed approach it from a different vantage point and the pieces may well come together to form the picture.
God wants us to find him. But we have to do so in truth. How do we do that? There are too many doctrines, religions telling us it is this way or that tick this box or check this list, be one of us to be saved.
Being saved is so very beautifully simple. It seemed so exhausting to me at first I was a mess, truth was never going to be found which bought me to the epiphany that changed my relationship with God entirely. I knew he was real but viewed him as a distant angry smiting capricious God ready to smite at the first smell of sin...I did not love him.
But I knew I was not going to make it, I was going to fail. I began to think it very unfair. Why did God make it so difficult? He loves us right? Why does he not give us clearer instructions? I knew he had been leading me to belief...he'd answered my call out to show me he was real...why drop me like a hot potato now? Would he leave me muddled and reeling in despair?
That bought me to my knees for the very first time in my entire life I had to give myself up totally to something other than myself. I knew ahead was a life given up to following him. I knew I had to trust him..I had to follow him. To go back was to turn back to the world and be lost, there would be no redemption. The other way was to trust in him with what I was, with what I had and JUMP.
I chose to leap. It was with a squeal but I leapt. After that is got easier and easier to follow him. I gave myself over to him leading. I read his map. I followed his light. As I grew to understand we were entering into a meaningful relationship, I grew to understand my position with him and began to love him. He began to take away the stuff in my life. That made me and my family miserable. my anger is gone. My mouth that stripped paint from the ceiling disappeared, no longer do I spew his name in vain.
He has a lot to work on. But I expect he will continue lovingly remaking me into something he can use. He wants you just the way you are. Because you are vain. Because you are prideful. Because you have a caustic mouth or what ever else you might possess. Everything you are he wants you to see that he can save you from.
That's where the love and faith grows from. You get to walk talk and hear from him daily. Everyday I choose to rededicate my life. It's never been as hard as that first time I capitulated and became his. Now it's a joy. Because he took nothing but the grit and dirt and has replaced it with shinier stuff. Golden.
You can have him too. As you are. Death is boring. It's dark and you know nothing. Your mother will permanently carry the scar. I have lost a sister and two nephews to this choice. I know the effect that ripples out. We will carry the effects all our days. Only through God are the burdens bearable. There is such sorrow for the lost and I fear every day for the lives of my own children. This is the darkness that runs in the wake of suicide.
The reality is gut wrenching, final and the pain is only a photograph or a memory away. I want you to flush that poison down the toilet. Ring your mum and tell her you love her, it does not matter what time of night it is if you are in darkness.
Tell God you need him badly, to give you comfort, to help you in your darkest hour. Know people love you, and there are people who are waiting, in your bright future, to know and love you. Much love.