We met at a wedding about three years ago. We fell for each other quite quickly. He was always a commitment-phobe. We started seeing each other and about nine months after our first date we became a couple. During this period, I knew I was falling for him and after he told me he had a date with someone else I broke it off, telling him that it was quite obvious to me I had stronger feelings than he did and that I wanted to pursue a relationship. After a few weeks we started back up and eventually became a couple. It was quite clear early on that he was not keen on children, something I am determined to achieve.
A few months in, I finally caved to having the conversation about wanting children. We broke up when we acknowledged we wanted different things. After a few weeks, he wanted to get back together, saying he loved me and never felt that way before and he wanted to make it work and maybe he would change his mind. (We were 24/25 at the time). He was out of the country during this, and I finally agreed, because I was crazy about him. He returned home from that trip, came to my apartment and told me that he had changed his mind. He wanted to have kids with me, he wanted two, and we would start trying in our early thirties. He also told me he had been offered a position in that other country, and was going.
So we got back together and prepared for his move. As it got closer, he withdrew emotionally and started to push me away. I could feel it and I didn't know why it was happening and I thought he was going to just leave me and then move. I decided he could grow a pair and break up with me himself if that's what he wanted, I wasn't going to be manipulated into doing the dirty work. A week before he left, we were at an event, and he comes up to me and says that he was so terrified of what would happen when he moved, that he did what his commitment-phobe self does, and decided to push me away. He said he couldn't believe I was still there, still reaching out emotionally, refusing to back down. He apologized for his shitty behaviour, reiterated how much he loved me and that he was certain we could work our asses off and make the distance work.
He moved. This was October of 2013. Over time I was continually asking him questions about our future family and his idea of having kids and etc, just trying to gauge if what he was saying was true. He would usually kind of dodge the question and occasionally get upset with me for challenging him, telling me he wanted it and didn't know what to say. He maintained it was what he wanted. We made distance work. It was hard and it sucked but we worked hard.
I went to visit him the March of the next year (2014, we had been dating a year) and during a night out, I got blackout drunk and ended up making out with someone else in a bar. He broke up with me. We kept talking, and eventually worked it out and got back together (I am still working on controlling my alcoholic tendencies, on the road to recovery)
With things back on track, we proceeded. Plans were made for him to move back home. We decided to move in together when he does (his move date is October 2015). Probably marry within two years after that. This past Christmas, he comes home for a three week period. I was beginning to feel that he no longer respected me as a person, that there were many things about me he didn't like and I just in general was unhappy. (There are things in my life I need to change and that I am unhappy with about myself for sure. I was sensing he was also unhappy with it and just in general no longer respected me as a person).
During these three weeks it came out that he now only wanted one child and not two. I freaked out and told him that terrified me because if he can easily switch from two to one, going from one to zero is not a far reach. During this time I also brought up that I didn't feel he respected me anymore (and not that I don't think he treated me with respect, he always treated me well, just that what I do for a living, who I am, how I spend my time, etc. were no longer things he was proud of about me). Things were said. He outlined a number of ways that I was falling short of what he wanted in a partner, that I am not doing well in life and in many areas of it, and that no, he does not respect me. We discussed these shortfalls over time and I ended up telling him he needed to decide if he wanted to be with me or not.
A few weeks later, we get on skype and he says that we can work together on all of the things relationsihp wise, but that he just doesn't think he wants kids and it's not fair to me to drag it out if he's going to bail out on that decision later. He breaks up with me. (end of Jan 2015)
Two months of hell go by. Depression, self-hatred, self-loathing. Utter sadness. We talk on and off.
In one of our conversations he tells me he wants to talk about things. Long story short (because this post is already long enough) he was feeling scared that I was pulling away (he picked up on me feeling like he didn't respect me and my slightly pulling back emotionally to protect myself) and that I was going to end it, so when I brought up the conversation, he shoved me away to make it easier. He apologized for a lot of what he said, and said that while there were half truths in some of it, he lvoes me and respects me and is crazy about me and he hates life without me and can't imagine living that way continusously.
He began bringing up his reservations about having kids - telling me the things that worry him. We have many open conversations where we discuss his fears and etc. I tell him that I'm terrified of fucking my kids up too, I tell him my fears, etc. After a bit of this he says he really does want to raise a family with me. He feels he is getting older now (27/28), he wants to set down roots, he wants to have one with me and once we get stable talk about having another.
We've been talking for a little over a month again. I have agreed to be in communication but won't agree to getting back together at the moment. We're still in different countries, and I don't believe long distance can work in this environment. He is very open about talking about kids. He is working his ass off to prove to me that he does love me and wants a future.
The respecting me and loving me thing, I believe. He's pushed me away before, and he says things he doesn't mean. It's shitty, but he isn't the first to drop the gloves when he feels threatened.
The kids thing though. I love the sound of all of it. I was so excited by the idea of our future. But I just don't believe him. The more we talk I am slowly, slowly, beginning to believe that maybe he does, but I just do not trust right now that if we get back together, he isn't going to run for the hills again in three years when we start making plans to start a family.
I love this man more than I ever imagined I could. He intoxicates me. We are open, honest, and we discuss our issues and we work together to overcome them. It feels like one of those stories we watch on the big screen. But I just do not know what to do. It is so unbelievably hard for me to just ignore what happened and pretend that our life is still on track.
I am considering us doing couples counselling when he moves home to rebuild the trust that he's committed to the goal of a family. I love him and the more we talk the more I want to do this, but I just don't know if it's fixable and I don't know what the future holds.
That's mine.
tl;dr - Kids are teh one thing I've always wanted in my life and he doesn't seem to be able to decide if he's down or not.