That was a cold splash of reality. I appreciate the response, sincerely. I don't necessarily want to argue any of those points, you're right, I've been making terrible decisions. Now I like to think that, despite the layout of this post, it was a peppering of terrible moments/decisions between the good ones. I obviously can't focus on all the good times in a post heavily influenced by the less the stellar moments.
But I do think my intentions were generally solid. Fight for my relationship by sticking it out (isn't that what you're supposed to do?), stay when things were tough for her because leaving would make them worse, etc.
When my girlfriends sister died, and I broke the news to her, not a police officer or a relative, but a late night wakeup call from her boyfriend, she fell to her knees and told me that her relationship with her sibling was the only reason she didn't commit suicide years ago. I know I should have left beforehand, before it got so complex. But how could I turn away someone who was essentially telling me I was now the only thing they had left to live for? Not that that's healthy, but concern for someone's life can make you do stupid things.
The fundamental incompatibilities didn't appear immediately. The sex, for instance. Am I wrong to think a year with someone who was an emotionally closed off borderline virgin may not be enough to tell their true sexual proclivities? I thought if I gave her time, understanding and affection she might be willing to try new things. I had no idea that her concepts of sex were absolutely unwavering.
And on the guilt factor, I didn't mean to imply I felt no sense of shame or guilt, rather that it was diminished by the fact that it wasn't simply a random fling, but a genuine connection between two people. The twenty year old I feel immensely guilty about, because even though we've done little more than make out on a few occasions, I regret it each and every time and have ended things with her. Much to her stubborn refusal to go...
And I admit, it was a stupid crush. As much based on my abysmal romantic life in my youth than anything else. It was nice to feel wanted, and it was nice to feel like I was reclaiming some of the moments I didn't get to experience in my teenage years. No it wasn't a good decision, and no the reasoning doesn't make it okay. But rejection takes a toll on you, and acceptance makes that fade away.