Every once in awhile I'd have them, but wrote it off as "Oh I just wish I could go hook up with some hot girl I just saw on the street" and kind of reconciled that I would forever have those thoughts and most guys probably do.
About 6 weeks ago a couple things happened, a few small disagreements that just kind of broke something inside me. It was just small instances of me being myself offending or upsetting her in some way, and her telling me it was disrespectful. However this was way different from the norm, because normally when she'd say something like that, she was totally in the right and I'd say wow, yeah, that was really rude, or really mean, and I'm super fucking sorry. But this time I was just like, are you actively trying to be offended or upset? That was so inconsequential!
And then I just kind of started thinking long term about that kind of thing and how I would hate to get to a point where I feel like my personality has been totally neutered because I am trying to keep the peace in my relationship.
That thought didn't really go away, and a couple similar things have happened since. Then I went on a work trip and met a friend who was also in town for work and we got drinks, and they asked me if I thought the person was the one, and the friend said they thought they were too vanilla for me. Obviously this person doesn't know my SO as much as I do, but it just kind of added to the pile of things that were making me question the relationship. Maybe I don't have to be with someone that judges a lot of the things I say or want to do? I DONT KNOW!
Also I apologize for using this like a fucking diary, but I haven't really been comfortable talking to any friends or family in person yet. Maybe talking to y'all will make me feel more comfortable.
THX!