I was one of those Christian leaders. Creationist, anti-evolution, bigoted and mean spirited. I don't go to church anymore. I am not condemning those that do, in fact I applaud them. They can get a sense of community that I can no longer find in the established church.

Unlike some of my colleagues who no longer go to church, I have not become anti-religion, atheist or anti-theist. My wife and I even tried attending a church we knew was friendly and reasonably progressive but stopped. We just don't fit in anymore.

It isn't just the obvious conflict between a literalist interpretation of Genesis and the science that is so conclusive. It also isn't that I have jumped on the idea that because God is love, there are no barriers in the Christian faith surrounding LG couples. It is that there is a large part of the western Christian church where admitting that the Bible does not support many modern lifestyles (sex outside of marriage is just one) means equating those issues with hatred.

It is that I can no longer believe that the self centred bigoted hate filled money grubbing political people who purport to be the face of the modern church in North America actually have any clue what Jesus actually said. I can no longer sit in a chair or pew and listen to someone pontificate on the evils of gay marriage while ignoring the sins of greedy, self centred pastors and TV evangelists who spend millions on themselves while pleading with widows to miss their gas payment so they can send in their last hundred dollars to "keep the ministry on TV". These wolves in sheep's clothing twist the words of the Bible to convince simple minded people longing for relationship that if they will sacrifice the money they need to feed their children, God will make sure they get back ten times that much. While their children continue to go hungry and the money gets spent on huge buildings, jets and lavish lifestyles complete with gold plated faucets in the bathroom. (I am not kidding.)

Especially since I was one of those pastors. Name it and claim it, anti-science creationism, gay bashing. To my condemnation and shame, I taught it all.

I don't belong in the church anymore. I don't fit. There are thousands, hell, maybe millions like me. Have I rejected Christ? No way. In fact, I think I may just have begun to understand what he really meant when he said that road to heaven was narrow, and there are few that find it. To accept blindly the position of activist conservative Christians, not just as regards politics, is not the narrow, hard road. It is easy and plenty walk it. If you know your bible, you know exactly where that road leads.

If God is the judge of all of us, may he have mercy on the man I was and the many that remain still leading the church so far away from the message of the gospel. I only say 'if' since I know so many no longer believe that. What I believe doesn't matter. I have forfeited any right I thought I had to be dogmatic about anything.

Hopefully I can be a better human being than I was a Christian leader.