Have been going to AA, been on medication several times, talked to the addiction psychiatrist (he just wants me to go to detox / rehab - untenable when I've only just started a new job), resumed going to my old church, being dating a sober Redditor who is absolutely overflowing with support. I should be happy and finding it easy to want to help myself. And I'm not. Ugh.

Sounds like you need a new psychiatrist - the one you've got isn't doing shit if you're still having issues.

What ultimately helped you, if you don't mind my asking?

I looked at myself and didn't like what I saw.

My dad's an alcoholic. A violent one. I was being a good little fuckup and following in his footsteps just fine.

The push was drinking enough in one night to actually make myself spew - and by a "lot", I'm talking in excess of 7 or 8 bottles of white rum in about 10 hours.

It's the one and only time in my life I've ever thrown up from excess alcoholic beverage consumption - and made me realise I had a problem.

I'm a stubborn cunt - I just went "ok, fuckit, no more of this shit" - cold turkey. It fucked me for a good month - I was lucky to keep my job, but once I got over the yips, I never looked back - it was 12 years before I had another drink.

I will try and aim to get a Naltrexone prescription within the next few weeks, I suppose.

All the drugs in the world won't help if you don't make the conscious decision to stop yourself. You gotta find the thing inside you that hurts so much you need to down it, and work on healing that part of you.