I totally thought you were my husband for a second haha. Both 26, been together for 10 years, high school sweat hearts, I have anxiety and depression (plus other disorders) but I have had an eating disorder in the past. I do compare myself but mostly to strangers or celebrities. Plus we don't have children.

I use sex to regulate my self esteem because I grew up with the idea that woman were only good for a couple things (sex and household chores).

So I've always been like this but I will admit that it got worse when I discovered how often he was using porn. I felt like I failed as a woman. Like I could never compare to the endless amount of woman online. The novelty of all the different body types, ethnicities, etc. really really broke me down.

Fun fact, I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It's an awful thing to say but I'm either all in or I'm out. Meaning, I'm an extreme monogamist (I no longer believe it is appropriate to view porn in a relationship, this is a personal choice for MYSELF.) but I didn't always feel that way. So basically if my partner doesn't want to have sex with me on a particular night, it really does hit me in the self esteem. I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore, I'm not sexy enough, I'm not the novel asian pornstar of the day so why should I even bother? That's basically what goes on in my head. (We are totally past all of this now because we've educated ourselves on the harm of porn, but the thoughts still run through my mind and I still rely on sex to make sure we are 'good').

It most likely has nothing to do with you, that's basically what I was trying to get at lol.